Online Service Hell: The Road to Nowhere

Vienna, VA -- Steve Case should be shaking in his boots. The erstwhile chief exec of America Online thinks his 3 million subscribers make him immune to measly Internet Service Providers (ISPs); thinks he can switch to Netscape and voila!, the competition will shrink away; thinks people will continue to play his vapid online treasure hunts, read his moldy e-zines, and chat till their wrists dangle from carpal tunnel. He might be right about many of these seemingly insane ideas, but one thing will certainly bring his timely demise: crappy service.
Since 3MR depends on AOL for its sophisticated Auto-Distribution Mechanismô, we know the travails of the average customer. We've heard it all before, but they're worth repeating:
*You pay online charges while stupid art downloads on each visit.
*You use a gun-and-duct-tape browser to snail-surf the Web.
*You can't attach multiple files in Windows.
*Your charges are rounded up. Online for 2:01; charged for 3 minutes.
*You depend on email for work or communication, but get busy signals, crashed lines or messages like "mail is not available at this time" or "Internet mail is temporarily not available." Your business depends on this mail? Sorry, try back tomorrow.

This is the equivalent of:
*Picking up your phone and getting no dialtone about 5 times per month.
*Turning on the TV and getting "Technical Difficulties, Please Stand By" on every single channel.
*Your mailman saying he won't be by today because he'd rather lay out at the beach.
We could go on all day, or make this a 10-part series, but we'd rather make fun of these service providers a la the way people made fun of lemon cars: goofy acronyms. It's our way of giving them the Bronx cheer.
AOL: All On Lithium; Artificial Orgy Lines; Arsonists On Leave; Accountants On-top-of Lawyers; An Ornery Linguist
Prodigy: Pretty Ridiculous Ogling Device If Goobers Yearn
CompuServe: Capable of Mounting Pierced Uvulus So Everyone Ralphs Vomit Everywhere

Whew. We feel better now.

We've seen Web addresses on business cards, billboards, TV ads, and even store receipts. Where will we find them next? Our best guesses:
-Dog tags: "If found, please visit his home page to see what food he eats."
-Underwear: If he leaves his behind, you can visit his company home page to see if he really is a marine biologist.
-Message in a bottle: So people on deserted islands with cellular laptops can visit your home page.
-Tattoo: So when you're old, they'll really laugh at you.
-Driver's license: "Sorry, officer, but if you check out my home page you'll love what I've done with Shockwave and Java."
 

Michael Jordan vs. the Jordanaires & the King of Jordan

He's living so largeóthe NBA season MVP, Finals MVP, All-World Spokesmodel, and cartoon movie superheroóMikey needs multiple challengers in the Search-Off. In this case, we pit him against glamour-puss Dennis Rodman, head-case Scottie Pippen, and the King of Jordan (supposedly), King Hussein.

The Tally:
Michael Jordan: 10,000 matches
representative site: Deepak's Michael Jordan Worship Page
http://crux2.cit.cornell.edu/~ds49/jordan.html

Dennis Rodman: 2,000 matches
Scottie Pippen: 2,000 matches
King Hussein: 1,000 matches
Total of challengers: 5,000 matches

MJ doubles them up in total matches, no surprise for a guy with an Ultra Brite smile and a fadeaway jumper to die for.

Max Schlickting - Editor-in-Chief
Barbara Yalpsid - Online Editor
Lefty Periwinkle - First Amendment Expert

*If you want off of the gravy train, send a reply message: "Iím bored to death and I canít take it anymore" and weíll discontinue service.
*This e-newsletter would like to slap AOL if it could.
*The material is copyright Fight AOL Dominance, a group committed to ending corporate greed online. Feel free to forward at will. Some call it a pyramid scheme; we call it distribution.