A Poke in the Eye of the Online/Multimedia Industrial Complex
Vol. 1, No. 13
A Special Independence Day Edition of 3-Minute Roast
[scientifically tested to take no more than 3 minutes to read; hankies not included]
Independence Day Heartfelt Observance
Some say there is too much negativity, pessimism, and cynicism in the world, especially the online realm with its flame email, elitist attitudes and suck.com. Sure, we at 3MR have contributed in our own way to the patchwork quilt of fear and loathing, but we are here to rectify that with a 4th of July salute to the marvels of technology, and the American men and women (and their Japanese and Swiss brethren) who have made it all possible. A tip of the mouse to William S. Burroughs, whose "Thanksgiving" poem was an inspiration.
July 4, 1996
Thanks for the computer, modern marvel of our times
You've always needed an upgrade, and you always will
Thanks for Silicon Valley, Silicon Alley, Siliwood, and Multimedia Gulch
For catchwords, catchphrases, and catchplaces so unfathomable
Thanks for corporate World Wide Web sites
For e-catalogs, shovelware, dancing logos, and branding
Thanks for Webmasters with big heads and links to 404 Error messages
Thanks for Netscape Navigator and Marc Andreessen's smirking smugness
Thanks for open standards, "as long as it's on our platform"
Thanks for the Communications Decency Act and the resulting
Blue ribbons everywhere, snazzy black Web pages, and lawsuits galore
Thanks for the V-chip and NetNanny, so our kids are safe from ourselves
Thanks for pseudonyms and anonymous email
So chat room perverts, Robert X. Cringeley, and practical jokers can roam free
Thanks for Wired magazine for starting the unreadable revolution
Thanks for online e-zines, for making our eyes hurt and letting us flame the writers
Thanks for search engines, so Internet IPOs could finally fail
Thanks for online content, so Internet IPOs could do even worse
Thanks for Microsoft's success, uniting us against it
Thanks for Apple's failure, making it easier to choose a PC
Thanks for PR people, so we can hear smiles across the phone
Thanks for shiny folders, press releases, business cards, fridge magnets,
screen shots, CD-ROM samplers, promo T-shirts, promo open bars, promo
flirting, real-life rejection, and thank-you notes
Thanks for email, so we can forward
Political petitions, bad sex jokes, termination notices, and poorly spelled memos
Thanks for NetDay '96, so schools don't notice all the missing books
Thanks for 24 Hours in Cyberspace, so Rick Smolan won't have to play in the streets
Thanks for all these things and one more thing:
The right to stand up, stick out our tongue, salute the flag and shout
"Is the Unabomber renting his place out, so we can get some peace and quiet?"
"3-Minute Roast" is a weekly, advertisement-free, opinionated rip on anything that strikes our fancy in the online world.
Max Schlickting - Editor-in-Chief
Barbara Yalpsid - Online Editor
Lefty Periwinkle - First Amendment Expert
Mark Glaser - Unpaid Editorial Intern* If you hate our rantings, send a reply message: "Bill Gates is funny
and you aren't," and we'll discontinue service.
* To see all our back issues, link up to 3MR on the Web at:
http://www.mediawhore.com/3-minute/roastarchive.html
* The material is the exclusive copyright of Comdex Haters Int'l, hoping
to make our world Comdex free by 2010. Feel free to forward this to
three friends or enemies. Some call it a pyramid scheme; we call it
distribution.