A Poke in the Eye of the Online/Multimedia Industrial Complex
Vol. 1, No. 14
[scientifically tested to take no more than 3 minutes to read, unless you retrieve email from your microwave]
The Future of Convergence: Plug and Puke
Convergence makes strange bedfellows. People have for years been predicting that every appliance you plug into a living room wall will become one mega-appliance, able to vacuum, fax, paint, bone fish, sort email, and keep your cereal crunchy. While convergence has brought a TV tuner into personal computers with little success, now WebTV and its high-flying partners think the Web would do well on the boob tube. You plug your phone line into a box on top of your TV, giving you access to the Web (or at least sites that use WebTV's proprietary software). "Wheel of Fortune" got you down? Play a fun Web treasure hunt! "Melrose Place" is in reruns? Head for "The Spot" with its super-model facades. Can't choose what to watch? Go to "What Miles is Watching On TV" to see what a Berkeley student is tuning in (so you can get TV on the Web on your TV). The possibilities are endless--and mindless, no doubt. Is WebTV a stroke of genius, or have greedy businessmen run out of ways to exploit the Net? Time will tell.
Meanwhile, 3MR pulled out its old crystal ball (still not plugged into anything...yet) to see what the future of convergence might bring, and just how weird our lives might get.
1998: Alarm clock/pager/World Wide Web. Wake up to your boss's emergency page while a bad Alanis Morissette Webcast plays in the background. Finding long downloads are the nouveau equivalent of hitting the Snooze bar.
1999: Toilet paper/lotto ticket dispenser. Having the runs has never been luckier.
2005: Laser printer/ATM. Counterfeiters were only beta testers for this idea, now a legitimate way for HP to enter the home banking field.
2011: Cat/dog/bird/iguana. Convergence hits the genetic engineering field as house pets merge. It fetches, it wretches, it has wings, it has scales. The pit bull version can also participate in cock fights.
2023: TV/stereo/Prozac dispenser/email/Internet/human brain. Our heads now host all the entertainment we need, thanks to the socket implanted in the back of our heads. Insert the Hose of Information, and voila! you'll be singing along with Barbra Streisand, seeing a superimposed image of Jenny McCarthy hosting MSNBC Nightly News, laughing along with an email from 3-Nanosecond Roast--all with a vague feeling of happiness.
Corporate Myths
An occasional look at lies perpetuated by people who want to make money at our expense.
* Smoking isn't addictive.
* Companies with "Internet" in their name can have a successful IPO without having a product.
* Audio CDs really cost about $14.99 to produce. (Actually, when you factor in cocaine payola, the cost isn't far off...)
* If crappy company X buys crappy company Y, resulting company Z will be wonderful. (Let X, Y = McKinley, Lycos, Excite, Point, SoftKey, GT Interactive, etc.)
* Kellogg's is cutting cereal prices because Tony the Tiger cares about you.
* Upon returning to the skies, ValuJet will be swamped with business.
Alta Vista Celebrity Name Search-Off, Round 1 (cont.)
This week's matchup: Sinbad vs. the Pope
For those just tuning into the Roast, we're doing head-to-head name searches in Alta Vista to find the most popular person on the Web. Tres scientifique, we know.
This week, it's Sin vs. no sin. The challenger has taken the name of a mythical figure, hosted late-night talent shows, and is taking on Adam Sandler for title of Worst Career in Film...it's Sinbad. His opponent has mythical qualities for Catholics, hosts Sunday morning live shows on the piazza, and is taking on Boris Yeltsin for title of Worst Job at Hiding Illness...it's the Pope.
The Tally:
Sinbad: 1,000 matches
representative site: Episodes: The Sinbad Show
[#14, Jan. 20, 1994: "The Dog Episode" (kinda sums it up...)]
The Pope (Pope John Paul II): 3,000 matches
representative site: The Pope Page
["This is very, very great!" said Pope John Paul II when he saw Pamela Lee Anderson's nude pix on an Internet demo.]
Sinbad might think he's bad, or think he's more popular than the Pope, but he's dead wrong. The Pope, in all his pointy-hatted glory, wins out. Vive les Crusades! Trample individual freedom, sacrilegious Web sites, Planned Parenthood, and unholy alliances (Bill Gates/the Devil/eShop)!
"3-Minute Roast" is a weekly, advertisement-free, opinionated rip on anything that strikes our fancy in the online world.
Max Schlickting - Editor-in-Chief
Barbara Yalpsid - Online Editor
Lefty Periwinkle - First Amendment Expert
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