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A Poke in the Eye of the Online/Multimedia Industrial Complex



Vol. 1, No. 15

[scientifically tested to take no more than 3 minutes to read]

[scientifically tested to take much more than 3 minutes to get the jokes]

[Wet Dreams of Glory: 3MR is the Official Sponsor Spoofer of the 1996 Olympics]

MSNBCya Later CNET

Somewhere South of Market, San Francisco -- The young, bright, ex-Fox execs had a dream when they built CNET ("the computer network" formerly known as c|net): a TV channel and Web site that worked hand in hand in glorious cathode harmony. You watch "CNET Central" on TV and see a story on computer animations in the O.J. Simpson case; then you go online to get the beyond-the-bite news at a sprawling Web site. Great idea, folks. Even better idea: do your IPO before MSNBC comes along.

A funny thing happened on the way to TV/Web convergence for CNET. They realized that the Web site was the innovative part of the equation, and that a cyber-snooze TV show with warmed-over Richard Hart and vacant Gina St. John was the tired part. Meanwhile, the good folks at Microsoft ("we really have a Web strategy, really") and NBC ("we really have a news dept., really") figured two bad attempts at understanding the Internet could make a Net titan out of them--or at least make Tom Brokaw look literate with a notebook computer at his on-air desk. Though most early accounts of the MSNBC launch have compared the cable channel/Web site to CNN or Fox's upcoming round-the-clock news channel, the better comparison is to CNET and its vision. So far, CNET has plenty to worry about.

* MSNBC is threatening to outhire CNET, which had cast its hiring net wider than the thick hype of its e-newsletter.

* MSNBC has an actual cable channel; CNET now has three shows scattered on other networks. (Therefore MSNBC actually has a network; CNET, "the computer network," has no TV network.)

* MSNBC has the news backbone (however frail and downsized) of NBC; CNET has the recycled news backbone of computer trade pubs.

* MSNBC has the detached image of Bill Gates on a TV monitor as its central PR image; CNET has the aforementioned odd couple as its main PR image. This constitutes a tie, unless you believe the adage that two squawking heads are better than one.

Still, CNET's Web site has a year's advantage in lead time, and its computer know-how seems a bit more deep than the blow-dried, unfocused early efforts of MSNBC. But there's plenty to mull in the red brick Chestnut St. bunkers of CNET HQ, and a counter-offensive fed on happy IPO bucks should be forthcoming.
Otherwise, it'll be: Thanks for tuning in, logging on, cashing out, and moving on.

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TechnoFlicks

Unfortunately, thanks to "The Net," John Grisham, William Gibson, et al, the term "techno-thriller" is common jargon in filmspeak. Why anyone would want to commingle the dullness of a computer system with the excitement of an action thriller is beyond human comprehension. So why not go further?

* techno-comedy: Martin Lawrence plays a systems engineer at Colgate-Palmolive who wants to meet chicks by putting viruses in hard drives of the delectable women of the office. Laff along as Martin tells UNIX jokes, plays "Star Trek" CD-ROM games against office mates, and hacks his boss' computer for co-worker salaries.

* techno-western: Clint Eastwood plays the leader of a telecommuter posse out for revenge in Montana. The government wants to tax work-at-home types for each invoice they send by email, sending Eastwood and his irregulars on a ride into town, with six-shooters and dysfunctional PDAs.

* techno-art film: Steve Buscemi and Harvey Keitel lay next to each other in flotation tanks and discuss flying toasters, the Grateful Dead and the coming VR revolution.

* techno-porn: Demi Moore plays a stripper who was laid off from DEC. She hacks up Alta Vista so searches for "family fun" bring up Justin's Links from the Underground.

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Alta Vista Celebrity Name Search-Off, Round 1 (cont.)

This week's matchup: Ben & Jerry's vs. Haagen Dazs

For those just tuning into the Roast, we're doing head-to-head name searches in Alta Vista to find the most popular person on the Web. Since we're kinda bored with most celebrities at this point, we turn to foodstuffs...ice cream, in particular.

The challenger has been making smooth, creamy ice cream for decades, and is owned by Pillsbury...it's Haagen Dazs. The opponents are upstarts from the Northeast, PC to a fault, with way too much container-space given to Psychedelic Krusty, a.k.a. Wavy Gravy...it's Ben & Jerry's.

The Tally:

Haagen Dazs: 600 matches
representative site: Haagen Dazs Day
["Haagen Dazs Day is actually a celebration of Marvin the Musty Munchkin and his defeat of the German Moondoggie Riders using only a Stick each of Salami and Swiss Cheese, circa 18-something-or-other AD, in Northern France and Germany."]

Ben & Jerry's: 3,000 matches
representative site: Ben & Jerry's Timeline
[1963: Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield meet in 7th grade gym class in Merrick, New York (Long Island).]

OK, so half the hits came from their home page. Still, the dynamic Vermont duo rage supreme with the junk-food Net junkies. Vive le cookie dough! May we pinch yet another inch!

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"3-Minute Roast" is a weekly, advertisement-free, opinionated rip on anything that strikes our fancy in the online world.

Max Schlickting - Editor-in-Chief
Barbara Yalpsid - Online Editor
Lefty Periwinkle - First Amendment Expert
Mark Glaser - Unpaid Editorial Intern

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This e-newsletter is copyright 1997 Mark Glaser

 

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