Web Story-O-Matic: Write a Feature Article about the Web in Seconds!
For most mainstream newspapers, magazines, TV news, and conservative radio call-in shows, covering the World Wide Web is just so...messy. First, there's the technology problem: Eventually, you run out of friends with computers who can tell you what's on the Web. Then you, gulp, have to go there yourself. When writing the 134th article about "The Death of the Book," you draw a blank. How do you mention the toilet conundrum (you can't take a computer with you...) in a way that won't gross out readers or draw attention to personal scatological details? And do you end on a happy "we'll all live happily together, books and Web!" or the apocalyptic "the book's got another 2 years left before kids look the other way"? Do not fear, for 3MR is here to save you the trouble with our Web Story-O-Matic(tm). It slices, it dices, it writes the perfect lead for every mainstream article on the Web.
Heads:
Doing All Your Banking by Web (for only $20/month more!) (or)
Tic-Tac-Toe is Dead, Long Live Online Gaming (or)
Does Outlawing Kiddie Porn on the Web Mean a Chilling Effect?
Militia Men Find Cyber-Love Online
Planning Your Next Vacation on the Web
[subhead] You just have to call for hotel reservations, booking flights, and
car rental (or)
Living and Breathing on the Web: No Need for Oxygen!
Leads:
Now that the amazing, glorious, incredible, scrumpdillyicious World Wide Web has:
a) online checking accounts, b) online tic-tac-toe games, c) child porn chat rooms, d) dating services tailored for Freemen we won't ever need to:
a) write a check again, b) play Aunt Rose in parlor games, c) watch Shirley Temple movies, d) spend millions of dollars on standoffs in Montana.
Expert quotes:
Thanks to this cyberspace, virtual, high-tech, gizmo-gadget-type thing we can't really explain, our lives will change forever. We spoke to an expert in the field, who actually programs computers!
a) "These banking services will save the bank 80 percent of the cost of processing checks," says Dirk Jones, cyper-banking expert who has followed the burgeoning field of online banking for 14 minutes. "And they are passing the savings on to stockholders, while charging customers an additional $1.50 per transaction--a small price to pay for incredible convenience."
b) "Online tic-tac-toe means that you can meet people from all over the world, and enjoy a great gaming experience," said Tom Grout, online gaming expert for CyberGames Today newsletter, who once played a CD-ROM game. "We've already reported on an online tic-tac-toe marriage and are awaiting our first baby!"
c) "These kiddie porn chat rooms are a healthy outlet for people with alternative lifestyles," said Gavin MacCloud, who played Capt. Stubing on TV's "The Love Boat," and dealt with Gopher's emotional torment on one episode. "If they didn't have chat rooms, where would they be?"
d) "You never know who is a narc and who isn't," said I.M. Whitebread, president of the Virgin Isles Militia. "The militia dating service screens for FBI agents, and gives us some romantic targets to hit on first dates--San Francisco's Presidio, the Mall in D.C."
All-Purpose Conclusion:
Despite the fact that this awe-inspiring, earth-shattering, life-changing technology now almost exists, it will not replace the real thing completely. Did radio replace newspapers? Did TV replace radio? Did hair gel replace hair spray? Of course not, everything from 8-track tapes, Betamax, interactive TV and Microsoft Bob have their respective places in our exciting world of high technology.
[Editor's Note to reporters: Make sure, at all costs, to leave out the fact that only 11 percent of all U.S. households actually have an online service and only 1.3 percent have used it beyond the initial free trial. Oh, and don't mention that everything on the Web sucks.]
"3-Minute Roast" is a weekly, advertisement-free, opinionated rip on anything that strikes our fancy in the online world.
Max Schlickting - Editor-in-Chief
Barbara Yalpsid - Online Editor
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