A Poke in the Eye of the Online/Multimedia Industrial Complex
Vol. 1, No. 19
[scientifically tested to take no more than 3 minutes to read (between the lines)]
Introducing: 3-Minute Milque-Toast! The Official Breakfast Food of the Republican National Convention
Notes from the Feeble: A Computer Columnist's Diary
Our intrepid reporters have been testing out the new J-chip, which, for our safety, allows us to read the notes taken for every opinion column by top computer journalists. Now we can see what makes these bigger-than-life personalities tick. Unluckily, the real name of the columnist seems to have been scrambled a bit.
Aug. 15, 96
Gina X. Dvorak, the Knife
another Q&A Help column? maybe how to plug in your computer, or a roundup of Internet providers from friends who use the Internet. i hear they have problems with service sometimes. will put a couple intern slaves on this one, see if they can come up with more questions.
how about Web sites i might like if i ever went online? or Web sites friends like? or Web sites of friends and acquaintances? this could be good: a full column about book publishers online if they take my manuscript, or a full column on movies online if they take my screenplay. need to call my agent on this one.
need to make a "surfing" double entendre. i'll cover web sites about surfing! ha!
i either need to slim down for TV to look like Siskel, or bulk up to look more like the fat one. otherwise i'll never get that thumbs-up TV show into distribution. need to contact Jenny Craig about slimming down or Oprah for putting weight on quick. why does my picture in the magazine make me look so fat? i wonder what the focus groups think. contact editor on this. a new gizmo to talk about, like that air guitar CD-ROM i covered, or the innovative BeBox. need to schedule dinner with techie intern slave on this. need to use the term "way cool" more.
how Republican Convention was wired. Web sites that covered convention. should mention dinner i had with Gov. Wilson. won't mention what his wife was wearing.
Netscape vs. Microsoft -- someone said they have competing browsers. maybe there's good dirt here. i don't think so.
how the AOL blackout affected businesses who depend on email. hey, this one actually affected me! how it changed my life. i'll have interns interview me, then report on myself.
need to hire more intern slaves. offer them free t-shirts along with promo CD-ROMs to keep them happy.
update bio with latest TV and radio gigs. put intern slaves' email account at end.
InstaTrends
A look at the trends of the nanosecond, thanks to the Web.
Everyone's a Comedian: Forwarded email, cheap Web sites, and zero accountability makes it easy for everyone to make fun of everyone else (3MR included). Microsoft's Slate already has a Stale (www.stale.com) satire, plus TWA bomb jokes hit faster than plastique on the Net.
E-Zines in Perpetual State of Redesign: Proves the motto, "give an art director a chance to redesign every week, and he/she will." Either a change in look, front door, index or even name. Keeps marketers happy, keeps readers confused.
News Tickers: Banish them! How would you like it if you had to wait a minute for your newspaper to show you another headline or sports score?
Is There a Copyeditor in the House?: It's online, so why worry about typos? Because you might want readers to return, and advertisers to think you're for real. This goes for company email, layoff notices, and Penthouse Forum letters, too.
"3-Minute Roast" is a weekly, advertisement-free, opinionated rip on anything that strikes our fancy in the online world.
Max Schlickting - Editor-in-Chief
Barbara Yalpsid - Online Editor
Lefty Periwinkle - First Amendment Expert
Mark Glaser - Unpaid Editorial Intern* If you hate our rantings, send a reply message: "Bill Gates is funny
and you aren't," and we'll discontinue service.
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