Who Needs TV?
The World Wide Web has it all: education, sports, government, news, kiddie porn, flaming pop-tart experiments. And even more importantly, the mainstream media has been in love with the Web (and has invested so much money in it), that it's too late to point out any slight "technical problems" or "user unfriendliness." OK, an occasional end-of-the-world item on bottlenecks due to someone on "The Spot" getting pregnant or a new Playboy centerfold, but nothing like "Web is Such a Pain To Use, Why Bother?" Television, the much-maligned uninteractive medium, is supposedly almost dead, ratings going to the dogs because people are online. How 'bout a head-to-head comparison between the Internet and the Boob Toob?
Shopping for it
TV: Look in the newspapers for electronics store ads. Net: Look in the newspapers for electronics store ads for computers; read 38 computer magazines and Consumer Report; ask local computer geek for advice; note which models David Letterman is dropping off of his roof.
Saving for it
TV: About three days' pay.
Net: About 2 months' pay, depending if you were managing the Yahoo! IPO, then about three days' pay.
Getting wired (is there a more horrific term?) TV: Plug it into the wall. If you're feeling frisky, get cable. Net: Hope you got a fast modem; waste one month realizing AOL's browser sucks; consult local computer geek for good local Internet provider; shop around; get provider's software; get Netscape; download all the plug-ins; wait through interminable technical glitches, pauses, holds; see kiddie porn and flaming pop tarts; if you're feeling frisky, throw computer off of David Letterman's roof.
The Great Alta Vista Celebrity Name Search-Off
Round 1
Madonna v. Bill Gates
OK, 'fess up, you've searched for your name on the most powerful search engine on the Web, Alta Vista, and were surprised that someone at the University of Northern South Dakota has your exact name, and, even worse, she has more matches than you! Since search engines are all the rage on Wall Street, we're going to demonstrate a truly useful application for them: finding the most popular person on the Web.
First up: She's either a holy visage seen in treetops or parking lot puddles, or a Material Girl carrying Jose Canseco's or Dennis Rodman's or Charles Barkley's love child: Madonna.
The Challenger: He's also known as Me2, a one-man band that has jumped on every conceivable bandwagon known to man, always a beat behind but a buck ahead: Bill Gates.
Alta Vista Tally:
Madonna: 41,107 word matches; 10,000 documents
representative site: Top 10 List for Madonna:
http://www.mps.org/~rainbow/Words/Letterman10.html
Bill Gates: 20,000 word matches; 10,000 documents
representative site: The Opportunist: http://www.opportunist.com
Viva Madonna! She moves on to the second round, leaving BillBoy in her dust...
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