Browser Battle Royale: The Overtold Story
Tired of the 100 trillionth story about Netscape vs. Microsoft in the mainstream media, underground media and bathroom walls? Probably, but that didn't keep our intrepid reporters from infiltrating corporate firewalls to find out the warring companies' future plans for Internet domination. To the eventual winner goes the spoils of being THE browser of the Web, able to monopolize, pulverize, demonize and just say "naaah nah" to surfers who must wait 2 hours to download software brimming with worthless bonus features.
Fall/Winter 1996
Microsoft: free subscription to Wall Street Journal and ESPNet augmented with 10 shares of MS stock and a used PSL for the Oakland Raiders. Netscape: free New York Times subscription augmented with free trip to New York City (air fare, hotel and Broadway shows not included)
Summer 1997
Microsoft: new campaign, "Download Explorer, Hang with Bill" lets each new user take a tour of Gates' palatial estate while waiting for the 100MB app to download. Explorer now lets you browse at Macy's, but your session runs on top of Marshall's browsing in DOS.
Netscape: new campaign, "Download Navigator, Hang with Marc" lets each new user squeeze Marc Andreessen's belly, hearing him giggle like the Pillsbury Dough Boy, as you wait for the 150MB Navigator Triple-Platinum to download. Navigator now includes a word processor, antivirus program, personal info manager, car washer, and the newly acquired Personal CokeDealer from Guido Interactive of the Bronx.
XMas 1997
Microsoft annexes the state of Washington, declaring Gates as Programmer in Chief, and builds up nuclear weapons aimed at Mountain View. After nation is in panic, MS announces it was biggest hoax since "War of the Worlds" and just an elaborate scheme to promote the bundling of Duke Nukem 5D with Explorer. Downloads take a week with new cable modems.
Netscape buys out the state of Oregon, installs "Star Wars" defense system discarded during Reagan Era, obviously fooled by the hoax. Ross Perot, disgusted by a two-party system of browsing, announces the Reform Browser, which will cut the deficit, prepare vague charts on demand, and start talking using text-to-rhetoric technology. Perot claims Microsoft is using dirty tricks to keep him at bay, while taking payments from Netscape to enter the race.
1998
Microsoft buys Netscape for $58 billion. Internet collapses due to power outages in the Western states.
And now, the 3MR's first Public Service Announcement...
Do you suffer from long work hours, vague corporate missions, little thanks, rotating executives, and decent pay that you have no time to use? Does a venture capitalist share your cubicle? Your hard drive? If so, you could be suffering from:
Startup Exploitation Syndrome (SES)
Get the facts on SES. Common among those who work in startup firms in bustling Silicon Valley -- though not limited to this area -- SES has the following symptoms:
* Half your pay is in shares of "stock" that might exist if you have an IPO.
* Because of these shares, you are constantly told you are profit-sharing or a worker/owner -- until company meetings, when you can only take notes.
* Your work is referred to as "good branded content that could be licensed to someone."
* The company's copy of the daily newspaper has blacked out "Dilbert."
* You are told the long hours are only temporary, "until we go public or get more money from Kleiner-Perky venture capital."
* The company has no revenues, but execs have already spent their IPO money on estates in Aruba.
* You're making more money than ever, but have no vacation, sick days, weekends, sleep, nutritional value, or time to call mom.
If you or a friend are suffering from SES, take heart. Eventually one of two things happen: you are downsized, or the company becomes "real." Your company is no longer a startup when the CEO has cashed his stock, been embroiled in scandal, left the firm for another startup, and fingered someone like you for all the problems.
"3-Minute Roast" is a weekly, advertisement-free, opinionated rip on anything that strikes our fancy in the online world.
Max Schlickting - Editor-in-Chief
Barbara Yalpsid - Online Editor
Lefty Periwinkle - First Amendment Expert
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