A Poke in the Eye of the Online/Multimedia Industrial Complex
Vol. 1, No. 21
"The Happy Folks Formerly Known as 3-Minute Roast"
[scientifically tested, with a kick of our heels, to take you no longer than 3 minutes to read, or your money back!]
Our New Theme Song
If you're happy and ya know it, click your mouse! [click click!]
If you're happy and ya know it, click your mouse! [click click!]
If you're happy and ya know it, and your carpal tunnel's almost healed
If you're happy and you're a Democrat, click your mouse! [click click!]
Beating the Cynicism Backlash*
Wonderland, U.S.A. -- A scourge has gripped the online world, something so terrible that the monopolistic practices of Microsoft and gratuitous blinking text on Web sites pale in comparison. This scourge has many names and faces, the most prominent being: cynicism, sarcasm, black humor, negativity, Ludditism, devil worshipping, and Bob Dole's furrowed brow. Not only is every god-fearing Web site being mocked and satirized at an astonishing rate, but cynicism is becoming part of the online institution! It's understandable for Comedy Central or Spy magazine, but grand old media giants like Wired are doubling up on it (Flux and Suck.com), while newbies like MSNBC's "The Site" match them grump for grump with Cliff Stohl and now "Mr. Cranky."
Oh sure, it's easy to point a finger at 3MR, the snot-nosed punks who want to Roast everything that moves. We must grudgingly share the blame for the negativity sweeping editorial content and the decline of the American family itself! But we were never one to follow trends, and we refuse to follow this one. Instead, we will begin the inevitable cynicism backlash -- meaning positivity, happiness, good cheer for all, and no Madonna jokes. We see a day when Suck.com can become Luck.com, for we're all lucky to live in a world with high technology. Imagine when our forebears had to look through actual libraries for books or peek through holes in women's bathrooms for cheap thrills. We long for a day when Slate and Stale can merge and become Stall, a perfect word to describe long downloads and longer times to understand editorial. And when the real diary writers of online soaps can become the stars, and "The Spot" and "East Village" can have multitasking relationships between shows. And when all search engines can stop competing, and live in Boolean peace. And Mirsky will join forces with InfiNet for the "Okily-Dokily Site of the Day." And venture capital people will give funds to welfare children who don't have food to eat. And when one big browser -- that takes up precious little disk space, and is run in cooperation by owner/programmers from Netscape, Microsoft, Sun, Apple, NCSA, and the NRA -- can help us all ride shotgun for free on the information superhighway. Now that will be one glorious day for all of us!
Web Site Features that Tickle Our Fancy
Things we love more than puppies and ice cream!
* Sites that give you great info on people, like their email address, phone number, felonies, mailing address, jock size, social security number, inhale/didn't inhale, and pork-rind-eating habits.
* Cool green 3D balls used as bullets for text lists.
* ALL CAPS AND LOTS OF EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!
* Links to Web sites that stay in frames so you don't really leave their site. This keeps people from wandering off aimlessly -- how helpful!
* Forums where you're not allowed to "flame" people or you get kicked out.
* Anything about families, saving families, uplifting families, strengthening families, family values or other things said at the Democratic Convention. (Who thought our buddy Dan Quayle would be setting the agenda for Democrats in '96?)
* People or companies that recently decided to go online. We love newbies, and isn't it just the cutest thing when they say, "we're cutting edge for having a Web site about beer," when they're the 10,652nd beer site? Awwww.
* Sites with .org in their name. They're here to help.
* The AOL browser's cute rotating pyramid!
* Mozilla sightings on Netscape's home page.
* Intelligent agents that search the Net for you while you sleep, knowing exactly what you want and honing your tastes with those of large advertisers, telecommunications companies, the FCC and the moral majority!
"3-Minute Roast" is a weekly, advertisement-free, opinionated rip on anything that strikes our fancy in the online world.
Max Schlickting - Editor-in-Chief
Barbara Yalpsid - Online Editor
Lefty Periwinkle - First Amendment Expert
Mark Glaser - Unpaid Editorial Intern* If you hate our rantings, send a reply message: "Bill Gates is funny
and you aren't," and we'll discontinue service.
* To see all our back issues, link up to 3MR on the Web at:
http://www.mediawhore.com/3-minute/roastarchive.html
* The material is the exclusive copyright of Comdex Haters Int'l, hoping
to make our world Comdex free by 2010. Feel free to forward this to
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distribution.