3-Minute Roast Sells Out!
Las Vegas, Nevada (September 26, 1996) -- The last bastion of independence in Web commentary, the "3-Minute Roast" (3MR), was bought by online media conglomerate Huge Interactive Content Usurper Partners, LLC, (HICUP) for an undisclosed sum of cash, shares of HICUP stock, and a bottle of Wild Turkey. Though the three principals of 3MR were to split the buyout money and stock evenly, it wasn't certain who would get the booze. "We see the 3-Minute Roast as a perfect complement to our long line of publications, TV channels, and radio stations," said HICUP Chairman, CEO & Overfuhrer William P. Gobble. "While most of the content on 3MR was focused on poking fun at the online world, we think it will be better served in its new role as court jesters in the world of arts and entertainment. Princess Di, Brooke Shields, and Donald Trump will be victims to 3MR's whacky hi-jinks as much as Bill Gates, Marc Andreessen and Michael Kinsley were in the past." The broadened focus means new ventures for the tiny company, once run out of Max Schlickting's garage in San Anselmo. Thanks to huge infusions of cash from HICUP that haven't been spent frivolously yet, 3MR plans a huge Web rollout with all the bells and whistles. New production coordinator I. M. Tacky has promised "brighter flourescents than HotWired, more pages than ESPNet dreamed of, and more frames, more animations, more Shockwave, more Java, more buzzwords than I can possibly think of!" Download times for 3MR pages have remained confidential pending the launch. "3-Minute Roast is much more than a publication, or an online publication -- it's a brand," said new VP of marketing, Gimmey R. Dough. "And branded content with attitude is what we want. We are currently in meetings about various channels to add to the 3MR Network of Web sites. Spinoff sites under consideration include haha.com, a clearinghouse of the latest Web jokes, sitcom.com, the latest info on your favorite TV funnies, along with more abstract -- but nonetheless moneymaking --ideas like water.com, air.com, and vote.com. If we own the water, air, and your vote, who can complain?" As well as Web spinoff sites, 3MR was planning to do a syndicated radio show called "The Groucho Marx Hour" until it found out that the mustachioed funnyman was dead. However, cutting edge TV shows are in the works, though executives haven't decided on names. One thing is certain: the names will contain some combination of cyber, virtual, edge, cutting, Web, online, life, site, master, bate, and beefcake. "CyberBate WebLife Beefcake" is one distinct possibility. The hosts will know nothing about technology but will look great with make-up.
Speaking of technology, 3MR will soon announce a minority ownership in PaperAge Uninteractive. The fledgling Mountain View, California, company has made a name for itself with its Tactile CompuPaper(tm) technology, which lets you read a document online, while automatically printing it out on your printer. It then erases the document, your applications, and your hard drive, while blowing out the tube in your monitor, the tweeters in your speakers, and the flashing lights on your modem. Not only does this technology save you time and money online, it cuts down on repetitive stress syndrome, and gives you time to water your plants and talk with your kids. 3MR, with offices in San Francisco (but based in Las Vegas for tax breaks), has a pending IPO that will let you buy stock on the NASDAQ market (symbol: YOMAMA), though HICUP will retain a controlling interest with rights of first refusal on TV shows, radio programs, commercial Web sites, bathroom breaks, and customer brainwashing opportunities. "3 Minute Roast," "3MR," the number "3" and "CyberBate WebLife Beefcake" are the exclusive copyright of HICUP, LLC. Any use of these terms or any other terms in this press announcement, including terms we might think of in the near future or in another galaxy, are the property of HICUP until further notice, though we might sell them to you if you have nice teeth.
"3-Minute Roast" is a weekly, advertisement-free, opinionated rip on anything that strikes our fancy in the online world.
Max Schlickting - Editor-in-Chief
Barbara Yalpsid - Online Editor
Lefty Periwinkle - First Amendment Expert
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and you aren't," and we'll discontinue service.
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