A Poke in the Eye of the Online/Multimedia Industrial Complex
"Torching Techies Since April 1996"(tm)
[scientifically tested to take no more than 3 minutes to read, unless printed out on parchment scrolls]
All Hail Old Media!
The Revolution Has Been Printed Out & Distributed With Dad's Old Car
Digitalville, USA -- You can hire a couple hundred latte-swilling Web code jockeys, but you still can't turn a profit with a hip online zine, Wired Ventures honchos figured out yesterday at around 3:46 p.m. Greenwich Mean Time. What to do, oh medium massagers? If the medium is indeed the message, then it's time for Wired workers to stop hugging trees in Humboldt and start ripping those virgin redwoods out of the forest: We've got books to print, folks! Yes, digeratti, it's time to turn off your computer, rest your weary wrists, and open a book from HardWired, the new book publishing division of Wired, your hypocritical home for all digital things that have been put on a printed piece o' papyrus. First Wired magazine's glossier-than-Playboy print stock, now this.
Hyping its storytellers of "the Digital Revolution" (one of which happens to be their boss, Louis Rossetto), HardWired has fired up the printing presses to roll out the old media. After its IPO-us interruptus this summer, Wired seems intent on diversifying into areas it previously spat upon like a spoiled Baltimore Oriole brat. And on the other side of the coin is HarperEdge, an old media conglomerate licking its chops over techno savvy literature and a whiff of hipness. Or at least they might find someone to run their office LAN.
In its new role as "making old things seem new," Wired has also teamed up with Oldsmobile, known for its Cutlass and Delta 88, mom-and-dadmobiles, for sure. HotWired's Packet section is now sponsored by Newsmobile, er, Oldsmobile. Coming soon to a browser near you: Flux brought to you by Brillcreem, Cocktail brought to you by Schlitz, Pop brought to you by Coca-Cola, Suck brought to you by Gerbers. Hey, at least they're recycling -- ideas, that is.
Bob Dole, A Wired Kinda Guy
Speaking of old media and the people who love them, Bob "Hunt & Peck" Dole did a little Netsploitation of his own during this past Sunday's prez debate. Trailing badly in the polls among younger voters (and women, and minorities, and men, and people that take out their garbage on Tuesdays), Our Man Bob made a plea for people to check out his home page on the Internet.
Thanks to a 3MR on-the-spot reporter, we can give you the full quote (for those who were in the bathroom, asleep, or otherwise incapacitated):
"Bob Dole would like for you to check out his home page at H-T-T-P, colon, slash, slash, whatyamajiggit...uh...it's over on that Internet thing. Everywhere I go, people say, Bob you should log on to the Internet! I told them about my home page, which some of my younger aides describe as "fly." They say there's a great picture of me there, as well as audio of my fall from the podium the other day. Ha-ha-ha (wipes drool from mouth). I can laugh at myself. Don't say Bob Dole doesn't have a sense of humor or that I don't know about technology. BOB DOLE KNOWS NETSCAPE! BOB DOLE KNOWS JAVA! BOB DOLE KNOWS SHOCKWAVE! VOTE BOB DOLE!"
At this point, Jim Lehrer had to cut off Bob for going over the time limit. Paramedics rushed onto the scene to give Bob CPR. Aides have cut Internet war stories out of future stump speeches to keep the candidate from getting overly excited.
"3-Minute Roast" is a weekly, advertisement-free, opinionated rip on anything that strikes our fancy in the online world.
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