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"Torching Technoweenies Since April 1996"(tm)

A Poke in the Eye of the Online/Multimedia Industrial Complex



[scientifically tested to take no more than 3 minutes to read, unless you're reading from a TelePrompTer]
Tech-TV-O-Matic
Create Your Own Marginally Successful Cyber TV Show in Nanoseconds!

San Francisco -- Now that every South of Market warehouse has a sound stage, some blow-dried talking heads, and some techies pounding on keyboards for sound effects, you probably are dying to get into the new rage in Multimedia Gulch: producing your own TV show about the Net. Unlike other, more sophisticated programs on television -- like talk shows about psychic cats, or networks devoted to getting you the first picture of Madonna's baby -- these quote-unquote "cybershows" are easy for anyone to produce on a low budget. And since your advertiser base includes tech companies flush with IPO money they don't want to give to employees, selling ad time is a walk in the park. South Park, that is.

3MR has spent entire coffee breaks pondering what it takes to go live with your own TV show, and here is our handy-dandy tips to taking on the big boys like "CNET Central," "The Site," "CyberLife," and "The New Adventures of Johnny Quest."

* Find inane hosts who bear a striking resemblence to Natalie Merchant, and who know absolutely nothing about technology. This is important for two reasons: They will always look excited when looking at the most boring new "Myst" ripoffs and the same old ink-jet printers, and they can give the pat explanation of the Internet with gusto. "The Internet is this new thing where everyone can send electronic mail and download free files. It's neat."

* Include humorous "sidekicks" to the host who are balding baby boomers with dorky moustaches. These people should use words like "gadgets" and "gizmos," and should exclaim "wow" or "gee willickers" at least once per segment.

* If you do a news program, a la "The Site," your host should have a goutee and/or an unusual piercing, but should sound like Tom Brokaw. This will bring in younger viewers without confusing the oldsters.

* Two words: wacky graphics. Pay all people who work on the show minimum wage or lower, and save all your money for graphics and cool video effects. If it doesn't look like MTV, you might as well be on public access.

* Cover all the stock stories: guy on bicycle going coast to coast with Internet hookup; Netscape/Microsoft browser comparison; Jenny McCarthy Web site roundup; political candidates' Web sites; robot wars; censorship on the Web; live Internet cameras trained on Joe Schmoe's beer gut.

* Spirited repartee between hosts. One should pretend like he's been on the Web for eons, but then slip and call his home page a "home room." This will make viewers comfortable knowing they are not the only clueless ones.

* Show URLs for relevant Web sites for about 2 seconds. You don't want people actually taking down this information and going online, or it will pull audience away.

* Include a grumpy know-it-all type who ends each show with an opinion piece talking about how technology is evil. Use wacky sound effects or synthesize his voice if he starts making any sense.

If you follow these simple steps, and can find a sucker like Ted Turner to give you some seed money, you'll be on the stage accepting an Emmy or Cable Ace Award by next fall. Just look at Richard Hart, the Walter Cronkite of the cybershow set. His face recognition scores on par with Elmer Fudd.

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"3-Minute Roast" is a weekly, advertisement-free, opinionated rip on anything that strikes our fancy in the online world.

Max Schlickting - Editor-in-Chief
Barbara Yalpsid - Online Editor
Lefty Periwinkle - First Amendment Expert
Mark Glaser - Unpaid Editorial Intern

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This e-newsletter is copyright 1997 Mark Glaser

 

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