3.1-Minute Roast, Vol. 95

3.1-Minute Roast, Vol. 95

A Poke in the Eye of the Macintosh/Netscape Industrial Complex [scientifically tested to take no more than 3.1 minutes to read, depending on your version of Windows] Keep on Roastin' (tm) [new official motto of Starbucks Coffee & 3MR] [Editor's Note: Due to the usual cost-cutting measures associated with most journalistic efforts in this day and age, we have begun to use syndicated columns to save money. Some might view this as a cheap way to fill space, but we look forward to bringing you Ann Landers, Peanuts, and Mr. Boffo in future issues. This issue is a real treat: Bill Gates writes a syndicated column and we use one of his "humorous" ones here.]

I'm Bill Gates...and You're Not

Most people think of Bill Gates and think of a money-grubbing ogre who has bought the digital rights to every work of art on the planet. Or they think of me as a multi-billionaire who's building a sprawling estate big enough to house every homeless person in Seattle. Well, there's a lot more to me.
For one thing, I have a wicked sense of humor. Remember when I said graphical user interfaces wouldn't work? That was just a ploy, so I could lure Apple Computer into doing the dirty work for me. And companies like Netscape love when I joke about bundling Explorer with Windows 97. I crack myself up. For some reason, the Justice Department never seems to get the joke. Golly.
But what everyone seems to overlook is the hard work people at my company have done over the years to produce quality products. We came up with innovative designs like the Program Manager in Windows 3.1, or proprietary technology like OLE. That stuff is really neat. And Windows 95 has gotten rave reviews for its Recycling Bin and unique Start button. But we didn't leave out the humor -- you also use the Start button to shut down the system. An "Off" button would have been too easy and unfunny, don't you think?
Our new line of online magazines is really swell, and programmers have been working night and day to get them ready to ship. For some reason, they keep bothering me about hiring something called "fact checkers" but I don't see why Excel product testers or our crack team of PR people can't do the job.
Anyway, it's a neat time in the computer business, so I hope you'll follow me on this fantastic voyage on the road ahead. Actually, you won't have much choice, since my column will be available on every media outlet that I'll soon own.

[Bill Gates is a syndicated columnist (THIS IS NOT A JOKE). Questions may be sent to Bill by e-mail. The address is askbill@microsoft.com. Or write him care of The New York Times Syndication.]

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It's no longer hip to simply report a story. Now, you must report about how people reacted to early email drafts of your story, and include THIS in your story. The pioneer in this practice is David Hudson, who wrote a great article in the L.A. Weekly about Paulina Borsook losing her book contract with HardWired (found at http://www.laweekly.com/ink/huds.html). At one point, he mentions early feedback before his article is even published:
"Even an early draft of the article you're reading right now has leapt with relentless glee and persistence from one private desktop to the next. And in short, the shot has backfired on Wired."
Later, he even mentions Louis Rossetto's angry response to this draft of the story:
"Above all, he [Rossetto] was bothered by the phrase "horror stories." He didn't like seeing it in the Rewired interview, and he didn't like seeing it in the early draft of this story, which, having been released into the e-mail wild wound its way to his desktop."
There's plenty to question about this story, including the exact relationship between Hudson and Borsook (never explained), but using early feedback within the story is a milestone in (un)interactive journalism. Be on the lookout for:
* "Hi, I'm Ted Koppel. Tonight we look at the CIA/cocaine connection. After showing a videotape of an early run-through of this broadcast, media critics thought I was being too harsh on the CIA. I've omitted the line-snorting scene using Reagan's shaving mirror.
* (AP) -- Scientists discovered that sitting close to computer monitors will cause premature graying of nose hairs. After sending a draft of this newswire to the alt.nosehairs mailing list, we have decided that this news won't sway enough techies from abstaining from cybersex. Please discard this news.

"3-Minute Roast" is a weekly, advertisement-free, opinionated rip on anything that strikes our fancy in the online world.
Max Schlickting - Editor-in-Chief
Barbara Yalpsid - Online Editor
Lefty Periwinkle - First Amendment Expert
Mark Glaser - Unpaid Editorial Intern
* If you hate our rantings, send a reply message: "Bill Gates is funny
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