Microsoft = Bill Clinton; Netscape = Bob Dole?
"Real Folks" Speak Out on Who They Prefer
Your Town, U.S.A. -- In yet another cost-cutting maneuver (gotta make our shareholders happy), 3MR has combined the two biggest political races of the year, the presidential election and the browser war. Though most people can't tell the candidates, or the browsers, apart, we held a cutting-edge town hall meeting using paper cups and string to see what regular citizens thought about the rival browser companies.
Grandpa Hank Jeeters, 82, from Potosi, Mo.: "Netscape's been around longer on the Net, so I have more trust in them. They haven't been tainted with scandals, and I like that crotchety guy, Barksdale. He doesn't make apologies for the software's handicaps, and he's tough on Internet crime and wants to bolster security."
Linda Softbelly, 28, from Bellevue, Wash.: "Sure there have been investigations into Microsoft's business dealings, but Bill and his wife have never been charged for any wrongdoing. I think we should focus on the issues, and not get into mudslinging, with everyone trying to take credit for the first Java plug-ins. Everyone labeled Melinda as the "power behind the throne" when she tried to change employees' health benefits, but she's been a great activist First Lady at Microsoft."
George Peroate, 45, from Piscataway, NJ: "I'm fed up with this supposed two-horse race! Everyone's sick of the process. Both are taking huge sums of special interest money from Oracle and Intel. I hear that Bill sleeps around or doesn't sleep or something bad like that, and Netscape is as old as the hills by Internet standards. We need an alternative that will let us browse without lying to us, maybe someone who will take out 30-minute infomercials to explain everything..."
At this point, we grew sick of hearing from the people and showed them
a new poll that showed Microsoft leading Netscape by 14 points. Soon afterwards,
Netscape announced that it was pulling out of the browser race, and would
focus on private business.
* Excite Condoms: Find what you're looking for just when you need it.(tm)
* Yahoo Sunblock: Help keep your redneck in check.(tm)
* InfoSeek Public Toilets: When you need to download, find our commode.(tm)
* WebCrawler Exterminators: When spiders and gophers make you sob,
we'll do the job.(tm)
* HotBot Franks: They plump when we finally have an IPO.(tm)
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