RoastStock96: We Care Because We Do

Mother Earth -- The good folks at 3MR have decided that our lives are empty shells, that we should make a difference, if for no other reason than someone said we should. Most of us are movie stars (or ghost-writers for movie stars' tell-all biographies), and we thought by mingling with some of our high-profile celebrity friends, we could help the little people: students, the poor, people who wear non-designer clothes or don't have personal assistants.
RoastStock96 is our way of pretending to care. Why RoastStock? Because everyone knows that Woodstock changed the world back in the '60s, helping more people understand land rights, ticket agencies, and not to eat brown acid during the day. By using "Stock" in our name, that gives us the appearance of caring, even if we might not give a hoot about homelessness, heartlessness, or Gucci-lessness.
Proceeds of this day in cyberspace will go to the Dump Somewhere Foundation, set up to help celebrities find charitable causes so they don't look so mean and greedy. But now comes the fun part: conversations between celebrities and 3MR reporters scattered throughout the event.

Max Schlickting & Cindy Crawford (sipping martinis and wolfing down pate)
Max: After WebStock96, I thought you didn't have much left in you, charity-wise, Cindy.
Cindy: Well Max, it's always great to give to a good cause like RoastStock96. I just learned about this cause a couple minutes ago, but it's one I can support, just like "We Are the World" or "Farm Aid" or AIDS. I wear my little red skewer with pride (and because it matches my lipstick today...)
Max: Now about that mole...

Barbara Yalpsid & That Smarmy Guy from Melrose Place (chuckling as caviar drips down their chins)
Barbara: What made you decide to start the Dump Somewhere Foundation?
Smarmy: Did you notice that your last name is "display" backwards?
Barbara: I'll ask the questions, pretty boy. Don't you think "Do Something" sounds like a better name for a foundation?
Smarmy: How vague and strangely similar to Nike's ad campaign. No, the Dump Somewhere Foundation lets famous greaseballs like myself get together for a good cause, cruise groupies, and get knock-down drunk -- all to help the less fortunate celebs who are less hedonistic.

Lefty Periwinkle & Pamela Lee Anderson (ogling each other)
Lefty: I hear you helped design the RoastStock96 Web site? Where did you learn HTML?
Pamela: From one of my techie stalkers. We wanted the site to outdo WebStock96, which, frankly, looked like someone puked on eWorld. RoastStock96 lets me stretch out with my Web design talents, using Shockwave, Java plug-ins, RealAudio and Xing streaming video.
Lefty: Hubba, hubba. Are those real? I mean RealAudio...Any "Barbed Wire" sequels in the works?

Fun and hi-jinks were had by all the RoastStock96 glitterati. Not only did they stuff themselves with high-priced booze and food, but they also said amazingly stupid things for our live Webcast audio and video feeds. That means you, the Web surfer, can find gems of stupidity for weeks to come -- and you'll feel good about yourself for participating in something that means something to someone who can understand what we're talking about.
 

RoastStock96, which happens only twice a month, is a production of "3-Minute Roast" is a weekly, advertisement-free, opinionated rip on anything that strikes our fancy in the online world.

Max Schlickting - Editor-in-Chief
Barbara Yalpsid - Online Editor
Lefty Periwinkle - First Amendment Expert
Mark Glaser - Unpaid Editorial Intern

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