Any

A Poke in the Eye of the Online/Multimedia Industrial Complex


Vol. 1, No. 4

[scientifically tested to take no longer than 3 minutes to read]

[scientifically tested to piss someone off somewhere]

Internet World '96: Hype Ground Zero

San Jose, CA -- May 1, 1996: After slogging through the 100-degree heat (not including PR hot air), the 3MR staff has a few scoops from the Internet World convention, home of the Exhibit Tent from Hell. This Tent was kind of a purgatory for procrastinating exhibitors like Cisco and SGI, who were stuck in an unair-conditioned circus tent outside the Convention Center. One demo-slinger -- you know the type: no-hands microphone headset a la Madonna with dorky corporate pseudo-casual, logo-emblazoned polo shirt -- was overheard saying, half-heartedly, "can anyone sit for just five minutes to see our demo?" The passersby walked a bit faster, searching out the free mineral water and soda cart.

3MR Big Tip of the Show: Watch out for CommixScapeNet X, a comer in the Internet communications and cleansers market. The vitals:

Located in Mountain View, CA (though most employees telecommute). Category: Internet company with valuable core technology for creating Web search engines, indexes, secure commerce, instant Web page design, ultra-fast PornoFinder(tm) engine, VRML browser, touchscreen cybersex, virtual garbage disposal, environmentally safe toilet bowl cleaner. Products: none yet, but first bowl cleaner due 3Q '97. Alliances: Netscape, Sun, VDO, CyberCash, Microsoft, Adobe, Penthouse Magazine, Tidy Bowl. Privately held; IPO planned for Monday

CEO: I. M. Waspy. Former marketing director of Coca-Cola during computer-generated polar bear campaign. Lent moaning voice to campaign. Known for his white, pasty normal-looking demeanor; bespectacled loner who took down 2 Texas S&Ls before making his millions in the Internet. Will trade initially on Republic of Yemen Chemical Futures Exchange, symbol: ComX

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Alta Vista Celebrity Name Search-Off, Round 1 (cont.)

IMPORTANT CLARIFICATION: Due to late-breaking news sources, we were unaware that Uta Pippig, last week's contestant, had a severe case of diarrhea during her latest Boston Marathon win, in fact having feces streaming down her leg at the finish, according to eyewitnesses. We would not have shit on her if we had known she had already shit on herself. Our apologies.

This week's battle: Timothy Leary vs. Jack Kevorkian

The challenger is sadly on his deathbed due to cancer, a hero to psychedelic-lovers everywhere, a proponent of the healing powers of LSD, and who is considering committing suicide on the Internet...Timothy Leary. Not to be outdone, the reigning champion of assisted suicide is testing the limits of Michigan laws, while also preferring to be called "God's little helper" by friends and dearly departed clients...he's Jack Kevorkian.

The Alta Vista Tally:

Timothy Leary: 3,000 matches
reprentative site: Leary's home page: "Average Daily Input of Neuro-Active Drugs"
http://www.leary.com/health.html

Jack Kevorkian: 500 matches
representative site: Opinion column with this opening line: "Jack Kemp should consider keeping Jack Kevorkian around because the former Housing Secretary is apparently determined to commit suicide [by endorsing Forbes]."
http://www.athensnewspapers.com/anet/opinion/columns/mcminn.html

Dr. Death is finally held at bay by the man who ingests 14 balloons of nitrous oxide per day. Leary sez: "it provides moments of humorous interactions with my friends and it is your ideal "placebo" for pain reduction" -- take note, Dr. Jack.


"3-Minute Roast" is a weekly, advertisement-free, opinionated rip on anything that strikes our fancy in the online world.

Max Schlickting - Editor-in-Chief
Barbara Yalpsid - Online Editor
Lefty Periwinkle - First Amendment Expert
Mark Glaser - Unpaid Editorial Intern

* If you hate our rantings, send a reply message: "Bill Gates is funny
and you aren't," and we'll discontinue service.
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This e-newsletter is copyright 1997 Mark Glaser

 

If you have comments or suggestions, email glaze@sprintmail.com
 



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