Are CD-ROMs Dead or Just Stupid?

Thanks to the 2-millisecond attention span of the average techno-weenie, and the  media-hyped, Wall Street-financed grand image of the Internet, the CD-ROM is yesterday's news. As that shiny metal coaster-to-be is celebrated a bit overzealously in Los Angeles at the Electronic Entertainment Expo (soon to be called PC Entertainment Expo then changed to PC Games Expo then Gaming PC Entertainment Montreal Expos), we'd like to examine the problems plaguing the CD-ROM industry. We'll then report back next week after the E3 show to say, "hey, it's really not that bad after all."
The truth is that there are companies that are getting by just fine, thanks, by putting out great titles that are more than shovelware, and pushing the envelope with seemless links to the, gulp, Internet and including unannoying music and addictive gameplay. Sure we can't think of much beyond Bad Mojo and Spycraft, but trust us, there are some good titles.
But enough of the good; on with the bad and the ugly:
* Prices are still ridiculously high, though all the edu-mergers might bring prices to earth. The average CD-ROM price could buy you any of the following: 12 movie rentals, 3 audio CDs, a downpayment on a personal seat license, 3 decent bottles of chardonnay, or a full tank of gas.
* Go into an Egghead Software and ask the salesmoron to suggest a good title. After getting a long, blank stare, you'll realize there's less hope here than at the corner record store, where they usually spit on you for asking questions.
* Almost every computer magazine will give everything the "thumbs way up" or "buy it now" official logo in order to cut a backroom deal with the publisher.
* Most titles suck. A blanket statement, but too true when you look at all the Aladdin Activities shovelware, music enhanced CD ego-fests, and puzzle-happy interactive movies.
* There hasn't been another Myst. And don't expect one until publishers create something in a vacuum, drowning out all marketing demands of "the next Doom, the next Grandma & Me, the next Star Trek tie-in," etc.

It's bad out there, for sure, but the glitz and booze of E3 will be sure to drown out the naysayers for a brief weekend.
 

Web-Speak:
don't say "my site's at duh-bull-yoo, duh-bull-you, duh-bull-you, dot..."
say "my site's at dub-dub-dub..." [optional addendum: "three men in a tub, installing a net hub, whatcha lookin' at bub?, bite it down to a stub, join the club"]
or, for power surfers, say "my site's at tri-dub..."
be sure to call yourself a "producer" NOT an editor

InterCapMania:
Why does EveryThing have to have intercaps? Does that turn something Plain into CutTing eDge immediately? Explain "NeXT." Please.

Qui Est Annoying Mucho?
blinking text on Web pages, text that's cut off and unreachable on pages with Frames, or logos that rotate?

This week's matchup: Bill Clinton vs. Bob Dole

OK, maybe it's a bit early for a presidential showdown, but with Dole giving the heave-ho to a long Senate career (and getting the momentary media attention), he might stand a chance against the chief email encryptor. We might not predict the results of the electoral college, or even Foothill College, but one thing's for sure: The Alta Vista Search-Off will tell us who's getting more HTML code spilled in their honor.

The Tally:

Bill Clinton: 20,000 documents; 30,000 word matches
representative site: "Bill Clinton: Yuppie White Trash"
http://english-www.hss.cmu.edu/bs/02/Bertsch.html
"Clinton had Fleetwood Mac's "Don't Stop Thinkin' About Tomorrow" played at the end of the convention. This quintessential Baby-Boomer song was juxtaposed to Clinton's obsession with that quintessentially white trash icon, Elvis."

Bob Dole: 10,000 documents; 10,000 word matches
representative site: "Bob Dole Can Smoke My Pole"
http://www.erols.com/cap/dole.html

Looks like a landslide for Slick Bubba. Vive le Big Mac! Death to the Pineapple Pretender! [We just love political slogans...]

Max Schlickting - Producer-in-Chief
Barbara Yalpsid - Online Producer
Lefty Periwinkle - Produce Expert

*If you don't want to get bundled on the next go-round, send a reply message: "Iím bored to death and I canít take it anymore" and weíll discontinue service.
*This e-newsletter would not be possible without the tireless effort of the Hyperstand producer, who thinks he wrote most of the 3MR during an attack of the killer iguanas.
*The material is the exclusive copyright of CD-DUMB Productions. Feel free to forward this to three enemies. Some call it a pyramid scheme; we call it distribution.