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A Poke in the Eye of the Online/Multimedia Industrial Complex



Vol. 1, No. 8

[scientifically tested to take no more than 3 minutes to read]
[warning: the following may cause you to chat uncontrollably]


3MR Exclusive: Inside Insidious Chat Rooms

Cyberspace, USA -- The following is a transcript from one of the super-secret chat rooms not available on AOL, Prodigy, or their ilk. It is composed of executives and analysts in the computer industry, along with their thinly veiled pimps and madames. Due to the use of "screen names," we could not verify the ID of any participant, which is probably best. The opinions of the people chatting are their own, though they might mirror some of the opinions of 3MR. This is adult material and involves stockbroking in-jokes, and has been deemed off-limits for users of SurfWatch, NetNanny, GrumpyGramps, NoPeekPollyanna, and other purveyors of purity on the Net. Without further ado:

XTVA Chat Room 613q
Interest: alt.internet.ads.fetish

Mick737: saw the TV ad for yahoo, with the fishing old guy...funny, quirky, and a tad impossible to understand for Everyman.

SteveN: no one will go to yahoo after seeing that ad. i mean, who has their computer on while watching TV or the radio? and what's the deal with SPIV.COM? they've shown their 5-second TV ad about 2 trillion times and i still haven't bothered visiting. [can you suck on a spiv?]

CyberRoadKill: their spinning logo reminds me of the amazon forest, and bamboo shoots. i love having bamboo shoots seared in fire and rubbed on my bare bottom. yahoo! :)

SteveN: gosh, mr. kill. how revolting! didn't you know emoticons went out right around Netscape's IPO? bamboo shoots are nice, though.

YakALot1: Did anyone notice the striped shirt Kurt Cobain's wearing in the video? It's the height of fashion!!!!!

SteveN: hey, this isn't MTV Live YakSession! you're on the wrong channel, Yakster. though i do have a fetish of making love while listening to nirvana and downloading dead pix of kurt from the internet. mmmmmmmmmmm.

CyberRoadKill: now you're talkin. i still love emoticons, though. but i also use a Next computer, listen to 8-track tapes, and have 7 different smiley face t-shirts.

ChrisTee: hey guys. how are you doing? is this a singles spot?

SteveN: hi ChrisTee. where are you from?

Mick737: do you want to go to a private room?

SteveN: do you have a boyfriend? can you drive yet? is your mom watching?

ChrisTee: I'M A GUY! i was cruising for some action myself, but AOL was down due to maintenance. i think it's because they had Pauly Shore in the celebrity guest center. so i figured this was the place for fetishes.

SteveN: oh well. this is not only for fetish lovers, it's for people who obsess over Internet ads on TV, radio and newspapers. did you guys see those Infoseek ads on the sides of city buses in SF?

Mick737: yeah, right. so you're surfing the web on your laptop in your car or in a park, and you see the bus. then you decide to go to infoseek. these IPOs have soaked search engine companies with so much money, they're plastering it all over city buses. what's next? Candlestick being renamed Yahoo Park? NASCAR racing holding the Lycos 500? Mt. Everest being renamed Alta Vista Peak? scary.

CyberRoadKill: You guys are so wrong. you should be celebrating the Web getting out to places where the unconverted go. this is how we'll get the world wired. then more people will understand the beauty of intelligent agents, ftp sites, CyberCash, and conflicting protocols. yahoo! :-)

Mick737: wait a second! are you a plant from yahoo!? every sentence out of your keyboad ends with their trademarked name...something's a little smelly.

CyberRoadKill: Stop it! you're killing me. just because i do a little market research for those guys on the side doesn't mean i'm spamming chat rooms. speaking of fetishes, i should tell you all about the kooky Stanford kids who started Yahoo!--

END OF TRANSMISSION

At this point, our clipper chip konked out, leaving us hanging, unable to reveal the sexual fetishes of the founders of Yahoo! Such is life in the underworld chat rooms.

*********************************************************

"3-Minute Roast" is a weekly, advertisement-free, opinionated rip on anything that strikes our fancy in the online world.

Max Schlickting - Editor-in-Chief
Barbara Yalpsid - Online Editor
Lefty Periwinkle - First Amendment Expert
Mark Glaser - Unpaid Editorial Intern

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This e-newsletter is copyright 1997 Mark Glaser

 

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