Bill Gates at the Improv or
Everyone Thinks They're a Comedian
 

Las Vegas -- As another glitzy, overpriced computer confab filled with gizmo-gawkers and -hawkers shudders to an end, the big story at Comdex isn't sub-$1,000 PCs or new Windows CE palmtops. Nope, it's the makeover of Big Brother Bill Gates into class clown Billy Boy. He used the bully pulpit of his Comdex keynote to make wisecracks about the PC, and worse
still: He pulled out an ol' Top 10 list. As if to say, "hey, I get those fun email joke lists forwarded to me, too!" Just what we need is the world's most powerful man with some bad jokes and a huge distribution
list. It's a disaster waiting to happen.
Intrepid 3MR reporters went the extra mile, and stopped by the Sahara's strip show that night, and lo and behold, Bill was doing the vaudeville MC thing. Though impaired by a few scotch & sodas, our reporters believe
this is what they heard:
"Take my wife...please, take her, so I can go back to a single geek lifestyle. And did you hear the one about Microsoft buying the United States? Half of everything? Nerd hunting season? Those are all soooo old. How about this one...How many Scott McNealys does it take to screw in a lightbulb? He can't because his Sun computers run on Unix. Ha ha ha. [silence in crowd] Uh, well this will really get you. Why can't Steve Jobs pick a CEO for Apple? [pregnant pause] He doesn't know what his Pixar!! Pix are! Picks are! [crickets chirp] Do I have to spell it out for you idiots?!"
At this point a huge cane comes out from behind the curtain and pulls Bill off the stage. As he's dragged away, he can be heard yelling that he'll buy out the Sahara's holding company and install WebTV in all the hotel rooms.

Saddam.com

And in a desert on the other side of the world, Iraq's pushy president
backs down and allows the UN to continue its weapons-of-mass-destruction
inspection. (Who volunteers for this job, and how high is their life
insurance premium?) It now looks like Gulf War II: Saddam's Relapse is
on hold, but think of the possibilities of a war breaking out now that
we have the wonders of the World Wide Web (sadly absent back in '91).

* Saddam Live Bellybutton Cam: For 24 hours a day, we can see how much
lint has accumulated in the Iraqi dictator's bellyhole. Though U.S.
high-tech companies help install the cam, they refuse to cooperate with
U.S. intelligence agencies to pinpoint Saddam's location. Something
about trade secrets...

* Online Recruiting: With the success that cults and multilevel
marketers have found through the Web, our armed forces will have no
trouble finding top-notch recruits. The popularity of "Starship
Troopers" also provides a bump in soldiers who were extras on "Melrose
Place."

* Joint Chiefster: The war machine gets a bit younger, as the Joint
Chiefs of Staff adds the "Command & Conquer" 14-year-old champion from
the new Professional Gamers League. The new chief, known as Bobby, runs
lightning fast simulations, recommends hip-hop music on the battlefield,
and gives out "frag" numbers instead of casualties.

DeathRace 2000(tm)
[Each week, we'll highlight the lowlights among three online ventures
that are struggling: Slate, HotWired, and Snap!]

They Said It (so we don't have to)
"I never figured out why I should use Snap!. Yahoo already offers the
best searching, CNN has the news. As for pithy reviews of Web sites,
iGuide is an established authority...[Snap! offers] too much content,
with not enough taste. A firehose of warm oatmeal. (Come to think of it,
that metaphor fits well with Snap!'s yellow-and-gray color scheme.)
-- Mark Hurst in the Silicon Alley Reporter

If that wasn't bad enough for Snap!ers, now CNET is making employees
shell out $45 to bring dates, wives, or significant others to the annual
Holiday Party. Will Halsey Minor come dressed as the Grinch?

"3-Minute Roast" is a weekly, advertisement-free, opinionated rip on anything that strikes our fancy in the online world.

Max Schlickting - Editor-in-Chief
Barbara Yalpsid - Online Editor
Lefty Periwinkle - First Amendment Expert
Mark Glaser - Unpaid Editorial Intern

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