3-Minute Roast, Vol. 2, No. 13

A Poke in the Eye of the Online/Multimedia Industrial Complex

[scientifically tested to take no longer than 3 minutes to read, unless you're paying for 3MR Premier, a faster, funnier read that costs a bit more but makes you feel darned good about it]

Where Does AOL's Rate Hike Go?

Vienna, VA -- America Online has once again set a new standard in online (dis)service, raising its all-you-can-eat-and-puke rate to $21.95 from $19.95. And you still don't get a barf bag with your meal of spam scams, chat-room haikus, yawnful editorial, and CEO Steve Case's heartwarming messages. Case argues that usage has tripled and AOL had to do something.

"In the end, and after listening to many of you, we've chosen this clear and simple approach to pricing which preserves the benefit of unlimited use while allowing us to continue to increase the ways in which this magic new medium adds value and convenience to your daily life," Case writes with warm regards. (Implication: You can't put a price on our "magic" computer wizardry.)

It's very difficult to understand how a company with 11 million customers and with a stock hovering above $100/share can make us feel sorry for them. But it turns out, we just didn't have all the facts. 3MR sleuths based in the D.C. intelligence community have been hardwired into AOL's master business plan, and have found out where, exactly, your extra $2 will go:

* 34 cents to research and development so the "You have mail!" voice will come in surroundsound, and busy signals will be converted to little "Jeopardy" ditties (11 cents to song publishing).

* 46 cents will go to court costs associated with fighting suits from disgruntled users, antitrust cases from buying all its competitors (and killing them), and suing every person who's ever made a joke entitled "America Offline."

* 12 cents to import customer service agents who don't understand English. They will be taught important phrases like "50 free hours," "you'll get through eventually," and "chat rooms aren't for everyone." Under no circumstances will they understand "I would like to cancel my account."

* 41 cents to an ad campaign to try to win back customers who leave AOL for other, less expensive services. The slogan is: "Pay more, so we can retire earlier."

* 18 cents to costs related to acquisitions, including expensive stationery for layoff notices, sturdy boxes to hold belongings of those let go, and bulletproof glass to protect those still at work.

* 49 cents to increase storage capacity for the email messages being held for delivery. They need to sit somewhere for a few days while AOL hunts for bandwidth.

* .0003 cents will be donated to a charitable cause connecting dyslexic students to the Internet via AOL. Because these students take a longer time to learn, the slow loads and constant busy signals will give them much-needed breaks.

[Numbers might not round to $2 due to creative accounting practices at AOL.]

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DeathRace 2000(tm)
[each week we'll highlight the lowlights at one of three failing online ventures: Snap!, HotWired and Slate]

[follow DeathRace online at our special site]

Out Like a Snap!

In Adweek, comes this news: "Kate Everett-Thorp, a prominent new media executive at CNET has resigned to start a new media advertising agency, leaving the online publisher to reorganize its marketing department. Everett-Thorp, who joined CNET three years ago as vice president of advertising and crusader programs, left the company last month to launch Lot 21, of which she is president and chief executive officer."

Others have vacated CNET to help Lot 21, with Snap!'s affiliate development manager among at least five others listed at the www.lot21.com site.

In happier Snap! news, Wired News reported:

"Snap announced a new deal with Toshiba, like one it has with Compaq, to bundle software with computers and automatically direct new buyers to the Snap page. And the content navigation site is working on agreements with airlines to distribute disks that provide access to Web-based reservation sites."

Shame on Wired for leaving out Snap!'s exclamation points!

"3-Minute Roast" is a weekly, advertisement-free, opinionated rip on anything that strikes our fancy in the online world.

Max Schlickting - Editor-in-Chief
Barbara Yalpsid - Online Editor
Lefty Periwinkle - First Amendment Expert

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