3-Minute Roast, Vol. 2, No. 18

A Poke in the Eye of the Online/Multimedia Red Carpet Treatment

[scientifically tested to take no longer than 3 minutes to read, or the average time it takes for a set change at the Oscars]

Live! From the 69th Annual Roastie Awards
[no Dustin, 69 doesn't mean anything]

brought to you by Weber BBQ Grills, Ace Poker Chips, and Burger King, home of the char-broiled Kangaroo King Burgers

And now our host...Wink Martindale!

Wink: Welcome to the Roasties. For those of you tuning in for the first time (and maybe expecting me to be hosting "Tic Tac Dough"), the Roasties are a faux awards show combining bad tech jokes and the Oscars. Now to the runway, where Roger Eggbert is pigeonholing stars outside the Auditorium. Roger.

Roger: Thanks Wink. I'm here with Cindy Crawford...Cindy...wait! Stop talking with E! Come over here! OK, I'm talking with Mira Sor...hey! Wait! OK, I'm talking with Spike Lee. Spike, great to see an African American here.

Spike: Roger, I just had a great idea for a new commercial, where I dunk a basketball right over your fat melon head! And then --

Roger: Thanks Spike. Good luck on your next project. Back to you Wink.

Wink: Now I was going to sing a Broadway rendition of all the Best Tech Pictures nominees but I sing even worse than Billy Crystal, so I'll just outline them for you:

* "The OS Titanic": A megalomaniac played by Steve Jobs heralds the Mac OS as the insanely unsinkable operating system. Jobs gallantly goes down with the ship, people clamor to see his every move, yet less and less want to take the ride.

* "As Good As Hype Gets": Eccentric misanthrope played by Larry Ellison charms the socks off our heroine played by Kim Polese, who warms to his entreaties but still won't do the Marimba with him.

* "Bad Will Hunting": A young prodigy played by Marc Andreessen is counseled by grizzled veteran Jim Barksdale to use his smarts to save the company, while Marc's Illinois buddies try to get him to go out on drinking binges.

* "The Full Silicon Valley Monty": A group of veteran programmers are shunted aside by tech companies who want to save money by hiring foreigners (while claiming bogus worker shortages), causing our ragtag graying heroes to become male strippers who perform at Windows 98 launch parties.

* "WA Confidential": Head honcho played by B. Gates has a dirty secret to hide from the Feds, and must start firing loudmouth underlings played by N. Myhrvold and S. Ballmer. A chanteuse named Melinda helps Gates beat the rap by inviting journalists over for brainwashing sleepovers.

[At this point, the awards ceremony bogs down as 68 past Roastie recipients do interpretive modern dance while thanking the Academy as the London Symphony Orchestra plays a Jewel medley.]

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DeathRace 2000(tm)
[each week we'll highlight the lowlights at one of three failing online ventures: Snap!, HotWired and Slate]

[follow DeathRace online at our special site]

Desperation, Thy Name is HotWired

The following is from an email sent to HotWired Members (or what's left of them, the poor souls):

Dear HotWired Member:

If you haven't seen the latest additions to our WiredWare page, you're missing a rare opportunity. Our selection of WIRED T-shirts, mousepads, messenger bags, and other digerati fashion essentials let you stay in step with the digital revolution while telling the world you're plugged in to the future. Ready to take your street cred to the next level? Then check out our WiredWare page.

As always, we appreciate your membership - and please don't hesitate to let us know how we can make HotWired better.

Sincerely, Rebecca Cetrullo Member Services

How about not sending spam mail hawking your T-shirts, Rebecca? Digital revolution? More like a digital devolution. Luckily, Darwin's Law doesn't include the survival of the insipid.

"3-Minute Roast" is a weekly, advertisement-free, opinionated rip on anything that strikes our fancy in the online world.

Max Schlickting - Editor-in-Chief
Barbara Yalpsid - Online Editor
Lefty Periwinkle - First Amendment Expert

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