The 5MR Five: The Most Influential Imaginary Figures in High Technology

Since time began and an unknown caveman scrawled the "50 Sexiest Cavewomen Alive," journalists have been enamored of lists, especially when it means naming close friends and associates who've bought large ad packages. In the high-tech realm, these lists seem to pop up every month, naming the most influential so-and-so, the strongest personalities, and people who've monopolized and plundered the best.
Time Digital did one. Newsweek had its "Most Influential" list. And Upside just did one.
We at 5MR couldn't be left out on any trend that includes gratuitous back-slapping and smarmy buttering up, so we spent countless seconds -- minutes, even -- compiling a list of the five most influential imaginary figures in technology, thinly veiled people we'd like to give thanksgiving.

1. Bild Belatedly, CEO of MicroSponge.
Estimated Wealth: If you have to ask, you can't afford to email him.
Stats: Nerdy white guy with 48-room mansion; he'll only use computer room with cot in it.
Made the list because...: If we took advertising, he'd have bought a platinum package and invited us to stay at his editorial "sleepovers."
Fun Fact: Bild likes it when impersonators walk around Comdex, making fun of his products. He also has more dance moves than Marky Mark.

2. Dalai P. Oracle, founder of Ellerson Corp.
Estimated Wealth: Just count the shiny green towers and multiply by the sands of time.
Stats: Neo-buddhist white guy who has obsession with knocking off MicroSponge.
Made the list because...: He had pseudo-visionary idea to create a new paradigm in computing, the Box Computer (or BC), for $99. They don't have hard drives, motherboards, keyboards, monitors or anything inside.
Fun Fact: Is company guru in the "Sexy Sadie" style, and likes to start online forums about possible takeover bids.

3. Jeeves Gobs, interim CEO, Dabble Computing
Estimated Wealth: 100 million dollars, but that's 1985 dollars.
Stats: Brash young entrepreneur from the early '80s who hasn't had a decent idea in a decade.
Made the list because...: He's brash, he's charismatic, he's photogenic, he's the talk of the town...what's the question again?
Fun Fact: Forgot to hire grammarian when coining new ad slogan, "Think Different." The follow-up: "Just Does It."

4. Kim Pommander, columnist and CEO of Maracas
Estimated Wealth: In direct correlation with the piles of hype; depends on impending movie deals for her various how-to computer books.
Stats: Stunning attractive woman in an industry filled with the great unwashed geeks. Most are too engrossed with her personality to notice that her business plan has glaring holes you could drive a Mack truck through.
Made the list because...: She's the token woman on all the lists.
Fun Fact: Likes to dance, and coin snappy marketing phrases for unstable programming languages.

5. Samuel L. Jackson, actor who's heard of a computer
Estimated Wealth: Depends on success of new Tarantino flick.
Stats: Hip, lauded African-American actor who would like to have a home page.
Made the list because...: It's not what you're thinking! He is a huge fan of Myst, and once filed taxes online.
Fun Fact: His friend director Quentin Tarantino has a beautiful home movie theater, but has never been online.

DeathRace 2000(tm)
[Each week, we'll highlight the lowlights among three online ventures
that are struggling: Slate, HotWired, and Snap!]

The Revolution Needs Funding

Wired Digital (the umbrella for HotWired and Wired News) is laying off 20 percent of its remaining staff, and will try to become profitable by the fourth quarter of 1998. No word on whether the company will provide arms and training to a group of "digital rebels" in Nicaragua in return for hush funds. The rebels reportedly are demanding overpriced gizmos for the masses, and the right to use shocking pink florescents in their literature.

"3-Minute Roast" is a weekly, advertisement-free, opinionated rip on
anything that strikes our fancy in the online world.

Max Schlickting - Editor-in-Chief
Barbara Yalpsid - Online Editor
Lefty Periwinkle - First Amendment Expert
Mark Glaser - Unpaid Editorial Intern

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