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3-Minute Roast, Vol. 2, No. 21

A Poke in the Eye of the Online/Multimedia Industrial Complex

[scientifically tested to take no longer than 3 minutes to read, which should be about how long it takes to double your money on Net stock investments]

This just off the PR wires from our 3MR Investor subsidiary...

PETROCK INC. IS NOW PETROCK INTERACTIVE, AND WILL BE SELLING ONLINE SOON

For Immediate Release

Des Moines, Iowa -- The people who brought you pet rocks will soon be selling their cute and cuddly pets online. PetRock Inc., once known for its late-night infomercials, will now become a leader in e-commerce with a brand new virtual storefront on the World Wide Web.

"With Yahoo!, Excite, and even InfoSeek trading at ridiculous stock prices, why not give an old hand some of that funny money?" chortled CEO Cash M. Quikly, who is planning to open a subsidiary in Tahiti soon. "Look at K-Tel, for example. That stock was at 6 a few weeks ago, then when they announced they'd be online, it shot up to 40! Freedom Rock forever!"

Quikly is far from new to the high-tech game, having employed secretaries who use computers and having a son, Chip, who loves his Super Nintendo. And PetRock Interactive will be far more than a pebble peddler. The company plans to be *the* start page to the Web for consumers.

"After our secondary stock offering, we'll be buying out a free email service, a chat room provider, a sports site, and a soft cyberporn outfit to give us a well-rounded presence -- a one-stop Web experience for consumers," Quikly said.

The company will also be launching My PetRock this fall, a personalized page for all your petrock needs. Let's say you like George the Geode, but aren't sure when he'll be available to buy for your Aunt for Christmas. After inputting some personal information at our registration page (that we promise will only be sold to PetRock clients that give us cash), you will get reminder emails, and the page will load with information and links that could be of interest to either you, or our advertisers.

"I will be sure we stay on the cutting edge of technology," said Quikly, who will be personally manning the Tahitian R&D office, taking frequent research outings to nearby beaches. "And if this whole Internet thing collapses tomorrow because of high-school hackers, we'll be sure to sell our high-quality product through cable modem services."

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PetRock Interactive [Symbol: PETME] is a manufacturer and distributor of the most popular domesticated rubble on the planet. The Des Moines company was founded in 1975, and took over an old hula hoop and yo-yo factory. Some statements in this release are forward-looking and might be misconstrued to mean that PetRock Interactive or its partners are greedy bastards in search of a quick buck. This couldn't be the furthest thing from the truth.

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"3-Minute Roast" is a weekly, advertisement-free, opinionated rip on anything that strikes our fancy in the online world. 3MR Investor is a new service we do from time to time, pointing out important investment opportunities we think our readers might benefit from -- and which will hopefully line our pockets.

Max Schlickting - Editor-in-Chief
Barbara Yalpsid - Online Editor
Lefty Periwinkle - First Amendment Expert

* If you hate our rantings, send a reply message: "I was hoping for humor and all I got was this dumb rock," and we'll take you off the list.
* To see all our back issues, link up to 3MR on the Web at: http://www.mediawhore.com/3-minute/roastarchive.html
* The material is the exclusive copyright of Freedom Rocks, helping free petrocks from the oppression of quarries everywhere.
* Feel free to forward this to three friends or enemies. Some call it a pyramid scheme; we call it distribution.


This e-newsletter is copyright 1998 Mark Glaser

 

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