In Antitrust, We Trust

New York -- Microsoft has a long history of releasing software very late and very buggy. All the Justice Dept. and the state attorneys general had to do was let MS try to release its full-priced, supposed "tune-up" operating system, Windows 98 -- but nooooo. Now that the states are threatening to bring a new antitrust case against the Redmond behemoth, Microsoft has pulled out all PR stops to keep Win98 on schedule. Here are some of the more hilarious All-American ploys, according to 3MR sources that are close to the sources who might know someone at Microsoft:

* A Declaration of Techno-Nerd Independence: Whereby the undersigned multimillionaires who run lots of important technology companies (and have had their arms twisted to sign) believe that Microsoft is an innovator who should not be stifled by the government. We have the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of backroom deals that kill the competition, and a bloated operating system that eats anything in its path.

* A Rally Without Pep Bands: These same people who probably never played on high school teams (outside of chess) then threw a big "rally" in New York that looked more like a press conference. Head cheerleader Bill Gates looked very serious, and one Important Guy said a delay by antitrust forces would "have a negative impact on the country as a whole" and would undermine American values like mom, apple pie, and a TV tuner on every desktop.

* Hire Political Guns; Take a Poll: Next MS signed on some wacko politicos, the same folks who come up with government conspiracies and think Big Gov should stop wasting money on toxic waste cleanups. A theory will circulate that the government is trying to wrest control of the high-tech industry so Clinton can get better access to porn sites. A poll is commissioned showing that 70 percent of Americans support Microsoft (but leaves out the fact that 95 percent of those people are on MS' payroll).

Wouldn't it be funny if the Feds and states backed down, and then Windows 98 was delayed until 1999 anyhow?

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We Get (funny) Email

Robert Brooks wrote to say that the quantum computer experiments, wherein scientists turned molecules of chloroform into a computer, tweaked him: "something about making a computer out of a chemical normally associated with spies putting a victim to sleep seems...unusual."

Brooks also had a nice comment on GeoCities, where he is a "homesteader": "If Geocities some day goes public, I'll probably buy a share of stock just for the certificate. Some day, the wide-eyed investors will realize that "Internet advertising" is just a code word for "click here to visit a site with a banner that says 'click here to visit a site with a banner that says "click here..."'" About six months later, Internet company stock certificates will be like Confederate currency -- more valuable as a collectors item or as insulation than as a negotiable instrument."

Did someone say K-Tel?

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DeathRace 2000(tm)

[each week we'll highlight the lowlights at one of three failing online ventures: Snap!, HotWired and Slate]

Wired Magazine Sale Leaves HotWired in the Cold

Word comes from the San Jose Mercury News that a sale of Wired magazine is imminent to Miller Publishing Group, which owns Spin, Vibe and other mags. The future of Wired Digital remains unclear, keeping it in the lead in the DeathRace.

While we at 3MR reported on possible layoffs a while back, what we meant to report was: Wired magazine will be bought, then Wired Digital will lay off lots of people. Of course, we could be wrong again, but that's the fun of covering Wired when rumor and innuendo rule the Digital Kingdom.

"3-Minute Roast" is a weekly, advertisement-free, opinionated rip on anything that strikes our fancy in the online world.

Max Schlickting - Editor-in-Chief
Barbara Yalpsid - Online Editor
Lefty Periwinkle - First Amendment Expert

* If you hate our rantings, send a reply message: "I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of Microsoft" and we'll take you off the list.
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* The material is the exclusive copyright of the "Free Windows 98!" Campaign, hoping to bring overpriced, crashing operating systems to an unsuspecting public in a timely fashion.
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