Disney to Bring Good, Clean Fun to the WebBurbank, CA -- Disney obviously had portal envy over the NBSnap! deal last week, and announced a complicated arrangement with Infoseek which includes handing over Starwave (which runs ESPN.com and ABCNews.com, among others). For Disney, honesty -- and blunt, brutal force -- has always been the best policy: Michael Eisner said he was interested in making Disney an online player, and now he has the No. 8 site as a beachhead.
Just as 3MR gave you early details on the coming NBC portal, we thought it would be equally interesting and jolly good fun to give you a preview of the new Disney/Starwave/Infoseek portal, due later this year. While the House o' Mouse has diversified from its family entertainment roots, its portal will deliver a fantasy world of blissful links and magical content. Let the stupid cliches begin!
Disney PortalWorld 1.0 Features
Mickey Match: This matches visitors by age, hobby, and food preferences into chat rooms. Every computer that visits the portal must be equipped with a videocamera and fingerprinting device, so no anonymous stalkers, flamers, malcontents, or people with bad credit are allowed.
Aladdin's Stock Watch: Robin Williams does the voice of Aladdin reading your ridiculously high tech-stock prices with notes of sarcasm and bemusement. Michael Milken butts in as the "Voice of Junk Bonds Past" when the market finally crashes and burns.
Winnie the Pooh Honey Search: A terrific search engine that will make all of your dreams come true, as long as you're not searching for alternative lifestyles, monorail blueprints for bombing purposes, buttplugs, Michael Eisner's nanny's W-2 form, black market beanie babies, or 'Mulan' nude pix.
Free D-Mail Account: In exchange for getting your own email address with "@disney.com," you're subjected to a stream of messages relating to ABC's new fall comedies, ESPN online polls, new rides at Disneyland, and ways you can improve your Netiquette and table manners.
Goofy Jokes: Suitable for forwarding, these hilarious jokes and Top 10 lists have been cleared by censor boards in 38 countries, PTA committees, the U.S. Congress, the SPCA, the NAACP and Disney lawyers. Politically correct and oh-so-unfunny.
We at 3MR look forward to the days when CBS buys Lycos, Fox buys Excite, Time Warner buys Yahoo, and Don Kirschner buys K-Tel Express, so we can bring you even more fabulous previews in the weeks ahead.
********** DeathRace 2000(tm)
[each week we'll highlight the lowlights at one of three failing online ventures: Snap!, HotWired and Slate]
CNET CFO Brings Tears to Our Eyes
Thanks to all the press surrounding the DeathRace, we at DR2K received a message from CNET's No. 2 man Shelby Bonnie pulling for a smiley face for Snap! after the NBC deal. When told Snap! would get a big gold star, Bonnie replied with warmth and good cheer:
Thanks. We will take all the smileys we can get.
It might not always be pretty, but we work hard and our hearts are in the right place.
Shelby
We kind of doubt Slate's Michael Kinsley would ever send such a friendly message of hope and inspiration. It could almost make a good Disney movie, except that Disney might be the one shooting down Snap/Bambi.
[Follow the DeathRace online at: http://www.mediawhore.com/deathrace]
"3-Minute Roast" is a weekly, advertisement-free, opinionated rip on anything that strikes our fancy in the online world.Max Schlickting - Editor-in-Chief
Barbara Yalpsid - Online Editor
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