ZDTV: Kill "Your Computer Channel" Before It's Too Late

More than Turner Movie Classics, more than ESPN2, MTV2 or VH-2, cable TV
subscribers have been clamoring for a 24-hour computer channel. Shows
like "CyberLife," "CNET Central," "The Next Step," and "Wheel of Fortune
2000" have all just whetted the appetite of computer TV show fanatics.
Though there haven't been any big protests recently at Cablevision, TCI
or Time Warner, hordes of computer show watchers almost toppled the limo
of Richard Hart in an effort to get his autograph. "We haven't seen the
likes of this since the Beatles played Candlestick," said one bemused
CNET employee.
Now Ziff-Davis is tapping into the public's desire to see
computer-related TV shows every hour, minute and second of the day. Ziff
is hoping to garner interest in the planned ZDTV cable channel at the
Western Cable Show next week. Luckily, a 3MR mole has uncovered some of
the daily lineup of shows so you can set up your VCR in advance of the
channel's launch.

7 a.m. CyberMornings with John Snorak. Blustery computer pundit blows
hot air on audience to keep them awake. Highlights include fast-paced
computer demos and "Crossfire"-style arguments with Robert X. Quigley.

8 a.m. Logitech's Mouse Workout. Every knowledge worker needs to stretch
their muscles in the morning, especially the finger muscles that operate
their mouses. Finger aerobics expert Shari Shenandoah gives great
pointers.

12 noon. Power Lunch. Some of the hottest, most exciting names in
Silicon Valley sit down to make insider banter. Subtitles will help the
rest of us to understand techno-jargon like "re-engineering the bottom
line," "the unpublished code gives us a competitive advantage," and
"she's not just my secretary; she's carrying my baby."

3 p.m. CyberTalk with Jerry Springer. Springer will take questions from
a raucous in-studio audience as well as an Internet forum. Ratings
grabbers include "Women Who Masquerade as Men and Meet Men Masquerading
as Women Online" plus the "Skinhead Show" when one neo-Nazi knocks Jerry
offline during an onstage scuffle.

5:30 p.m. ZDNN News. Hard-hitting news stories about executive
compensation at high-tech firms, buggy software, and why nerds can't get
dates.

8 p.m. The CyberDating Game with Chuck Woolery. Updated matchmaker game,
but contestants choose dates by live online chat. The fun part is when
they meet in person on the show, and realize their counterpart isn't
really "a buff hunk who loves to work out every day."

12 midnight. Mystery Science Theater 4000. Robots watch the rest of the
ZDTV lineup of shows and make fun of them. After taking the lead in
ratings, these robots soon make programming, marketing, and financial
decisions for ZDTV, firing the "know-nothing" humans.

3 a.m. The World's Funniest Demo Blunders. Remember that time Gil Amelio
sneezed into the microphone, Lou Gerstner spilled coffee into his hard
drive, or Bill Gates' voice cracked during the Windows 95 launch? You'll
wow at the sight of the world's smartest people looking like fools.

DeathRace 2000(tm)
[Each week, we'll highlight the lowlights among three online ventures
that are struggling: Slate, HotWired, and Snap!]

Rossetto Wired Godfather No More

Louis Rossetto, chairman of Wired Ventures and co-founder of Wired
Magazine, stepped down as the magazine's publisher but remained as
"editorial director and hair consultant." He said it was "part of the
process of this magazine growing up." From now on, employees will have
to turn down their stereos when business development people are trying
to hear what Wall Street insiders are saying ("don't go public right
now"), the rumpus room is closed indefinitely, and editors will have to
admit that technology hasn't transformed society into Utopia.

In 3MR's DeathRace, this move is seen as a positive development that
might hold off the hounds of death for a few more fiscal quarters. Look
for a smashingly bold DeathRace 2000 Web page coming to a browser near
you.

"3-Minute Roast" is a weekly, advertisement-free, opinionated rip on
anything that strikes our fancy in the online world.

Max Schlickting - Editor-in-Chief
Barbara Yalpsid - Online Editor
Lefty Periwinkle - First Amendment Expert
Mark Glaser - Unpaid Editorial Intern

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