***SNEAK PREVIEW***3MR to Launch "Bill's Content" as Joint Venture With Microsoft
Redmond, Wash. -- The media cannot be trusted. Mistakes are everywhere, from the New Republic to the Boston Globe to CNN to Mad Magazine. And let's not forget the impact of Corporate America on the supposedly independent sources of objective reporting.
We at 3MR are happy to see mainstream journalism come down to our level, but feel that it's high time for a check on out-of-control star reporters doing stints on "Good Morning America" or worse, and editors taking junkets to God-knows-where on company jets. And there's only one person strong enough, powerful enough to out-squeak the press: Bill Gates.
"Bill's Content" will cut past the tangle of conflicts of interest, political in-fighting and one-ups-manship to bring you the real truth in the world of technology. Microsoft's Gates works for no one but himself, is beholden to no special interests, and wouldn't know a journalism professor from a Washington Redskins linebacker. He'll fight for you, the average PC user.
Look for these upcoming exposes:
* How the Major TV Networks Have Failed Online
An in-depth look at how CBS, ABC and Fox have stumbled in online news efforts, bowing to corporate concerns, advertising pressures, and Web design that generally sucks. But we don't just want to play "gotcha" with the press, so we'll highlight the innovative efforts of NBC.* HatchGate
The groundbreaking report on how Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-Utah) tried to use his chairmanship on the Senate Judiciary Committee to bully innovative, important American companies on a weekly basis. We uncover an important conflict: Hatch works in a state where Novell is based, and which is predominantly Mormon. Hatch + Novell + Mormons = incredible political plot to undermine good Christian programmers in the Northwest.* Netscape Communicator 4.5 Presents Unfair Advantage
While all the attention has been on other antitrust cases, the folks at Netscape have undertaken some unfair leveraging of their own. Our investigative team found that the new browser will point people to Netscape's portal, secretly deposit their money into Netscape's corporate account, and the browser will be given away for free! These are all hallmarks of a company abusing its monopoly.* The Last Great Unbiased Reporter
After a long and often frustrating search, we finally found the only trustworthy voice in the media: Joe Blinkers, editor in chief of Microsoft magazine. Blinkers was born in a cave and raised by wolves. Since he moved into civilization, he has never watched TV, read a newspaper or magazine, or answered his telephone. He still hunts for food, and can't read. He doesn't know a brand from a bran muffin. Joe Blinkers is profiled as our "Journalist of the Year."But Bill's Content will also practice what we preach. We have hired straight-shooter Steve Ballmer as our independent ombudsman, who will answer to you, our readers, when you think we have been unfair. We'll run corrections of corrections, and even correct advertisements if they aren't true to our vision.
Bill's Content: The Independent Voice of Frivolous Innovation in the Information Age
On newsstands everywhere, because we own them.
********** DeathRace 1999(tm)
[each week we'll highlight the lowlights of one venture that Microsoft will soon kill: Netscape, ProComp, and Sun's Java/Jini Evil Twins]The Truth About Jini
Sun Microsystems unveiled a new technology called Jini this week that was trumpeted by the New York Times, San Jose Mercury News and Wired magazine. Sun says Jini will reside on every device, from computers to PalmPilots to toasters to cars, and let them all communicate with one another. The reality: These devices will then plot to take over the world, cutting out their owners and creating a machine-dominated society ruled by the a huge, pulsating cyber-brain. We must crush this scourge before it's too late. Besides, Microsoft's Millenium is a more innovative technology that will rule the earth in a much more benign fashion.
"3-Minute Roast" is a bi-weekly, advertisement-free, opinionated rip on anything that strikes our fancy in the online world.Max Schlickting - Editor-in-Chief
Barbara Yalpsid - Online Editor
Lefty Periwinkle - First Amendment Expert* If you hate our rantings, send a reply message: "Bill Gates is not God," and we'll take you off the list.
* To see all our back issues, link up to 3MR on the Web at: http://www.mediawhore.com/3-minute/roastarchive.html
* This material is copyrighted by the Obsessive Correction Society, hoping to one day start a magazine that has only corrections.
* Feel free to forward this to three friends or enemies. Some call it a pyramid scheme; we call it distribution.