Humor is a Serious Business
or
Avoiding the Barnicle Syndrome

Boston -- We pity poor Boston Globe columnist Mike Barnicle, caught by a rival newspaper stealing George Carlin jokes and passing them off as his own. Sure, Barnicle claims he heard the jokes from a friend, but what he doesn't say is that his friend was reciting Carlin's book to him. At first, the Globe asked him to resign for the heinous joke-stealing crime. Later, after the paper's readers showed an outpouring of love and emotion for Barnicle, the Globe relented and gave him his job of pilfering jokes back.

We at 3MR would like to think that humor should be held to a higher standard. With all the online parody sites and email joke-forwarding kidders, it's time for some rules of the road for riddlers. If everyone can just try to follow these simple guidelines for joke etiquette, we'll all be better off, and laugh a lot more easily.

* Every joke needs two verifiable sources. "I heard one about the talking pig..." just won't cut it. Try: "My brother Ernie, who had this joke signed off by a notary public, told me that a talking pig once..."

* Show restraint in forwarding email jokes. Except in the rare case of "can't miss" humor (a la 3MR), only forward jokes that make you laugh out loud twice. For people who laugh out loud watching "Ernest" movies, refrain from forwarding jokes to anyone but family members.

* Don't carelessly mix your joke genres. Bill Gates jokes and Polish jokes don't go together, and neither do Pope jokes and Monica Lewinsky humor. However, a clever juxtoposition of Pope and Polish humor can work in a pinch.

* Give dead celebrities some peace. High-profile deaths, like those of Princess Diana and Frank Sinatra, should only be celebrated with humor after an appropriate waiting period of at least one day. Each joke should be started with the heartfelt phrase, "I know this is in really poor taste, and I shouldn't be telling you this, but..." That way, the joke receiver will laugh and feel like you care.

* Footnote all written jokes. Don't take credit if you don't deserve it. Jokes in the public domain, such as the chicken crossing the road and the Pope's funny hat, should be used sparingly and annotated as "Trad. Joke Arrangement."

We hope Mike Barnicle and other columnists of his folksy, funny ilk will try to show some respect and follow humor etiquette. Otherwise we'll send his best column out by email and pass it off as a Kurt Vonnegut graduation speech.
 

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We Get (funny) Email

Robert Brooks wrote to say that the quantum computer experiments, wherein scientists turned molecules of chloroform into a computer, tweaked him: "something about making a computer out of a chemical normally associated with spies putting a victim to sleep seems...unusual."

Brooks also had a nice comment on GeoCities, where he is a "homesteader": "If Geocities some day goes public, I'll probably buy a share of stock just for the certificate. Some day, the wide-eyed investors will realize that "Internet advertising" is just a code word for "click here to visit a site with a banner that says 'click here to visit a site with a banner that says "click here..."'" About six months later, Internet company stock certificates will be like Confederate currency -- more valuable as a collectors item or as insulation than as a negotiable instrument."

Did someone say K-Tel?

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DeathRace 2000(tm)

[each week we'll highlight the lowlights at one of three failing online ventures: Snap!, HotWired and Slate]

The Watered-Down Wired Brand

The San Francisco Chronicle's Tom Abate found that the strange split between Wired magazine and Wired Digital had left the magazine without an online home -- at least under its control. Digital retained the Wired.com domain, meaning it and Conde Nast were at odds. Abate found one person who said, "This situation is untenable."

Meanwhile, the San Jose Mercury News' gossip queen Chris Nolan thought Conde Nast might buy Wired Digital too, in order to solve the problem. But her price tag of $182 million might be too much for Si Newhouse. Plus, if he didn't buy it in the first place, why would he do it now?

[Follow the DeathRace online at: http://www.mediawhore.com/deathrace]
 

"3-Minute Roast" is a bi-weekly, advertisement-free, opinionated rip on anything that strikes our fancy in the online world.

Max Schlickting - Editor-in-Chief
Barbara Yalpsid - Online Editor
Lefty Periwinkle - First Amendment Expert

* If you hate our rantings, send a reply message: "Your jokes are vulgar and uncouth," and we'll take you off the list.
* To see all our back issues, link up to 3MR on the Web at: http://www.mediawhore.com/3-minute/roastarchive.html
* This material is copyrighted by the People for the Preservation of Humorous Decorum, who curtly answer flame mails with a "thank you."
* Feel free to forward this to three friends or enemies. Some call it a pyramid scheme; we call it distribution.

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