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3-Minute Roast, Vol. 2, No. 33
"Torching Techies Since March 1996"(tm)
A Poke in the Eye of the Online/Multimedia Industrial Complex
[scientifically tested to take no longer than 3 minutes to read, print out, and line your bird cage or litter box]
 
Write a Technology Story In Minutes!
Amaze Your Friends and Steven Brill!

New York -- For mainstream journalists, writing about technology is easy as pie (not pi), because most of the eighth-grade level readers don't have a clue and want things short and sweet. What they don't know can't hurt them until their hard drive -- or the market -- crashes.

Still, there are some writers who feel uncomfortable with their RAMs and ROMs, so we've created this helpful template when covering the latest techno-development in the business world. That way, no one notices anything amiss, and you can be a trusted voice of technology, suitable for ZDTV newscasts or a panel at Comdex.

3MR's Trusty Tech Story Template
[choose among the three strings]

(Sunnyvale/Cupertino/Santa Clara) -- The young, entrepreneurial chief executive strode confidently to the microphone and declared he has seen his company's future -- and it's on the Internet. The company, which makes (server software/picnic tables/fish oils), just recently announced its Internet strategy, saying it would be a new leader in e-commerce, intranets and buzzwords.

The company's first move into high-tech was a marketing alliance with (Kinko's/Yahoo/Yoohoo) that allowed the companies to share expertise, research, and make announcements that could goose their stock prices. Although the company faces stiff competition from Microsoft, it denies that it will be competing directly with the Redmond-based software giant. "We think our niche is something Microsoft won't touch," said the hopeful CEO.

The company recently completed a third round of financing, with millions coming from (Softbank Investment/Kleiner Perkins/Marlin Perkins' Wild Kingdom Fund). The new Internet push might include spinning off the online business on its own with an IPO that will make the executives and investors rich overnight.

Analysts aren't sure how the company will make money online, but remain bullish on the company's prospects as a leader in its field. The lead Internet analyst at (Merrill Lynch/Forrester/Comedy Central) indicated that "We're still in the early stages of this market, but we expect $10 billion in total sales by 2001. It's very much like the Wild West now."

Analysts and experts agree that no matter whether customers know or care about the company's product, it should be a cutting-edge success in the fast-paced world of bits and bytes.
 

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DeathRace 2000(tm)

[each week we'll highlight the lowlights at one of three failing online ventures: Snap!, HotWired and Slate]

Slate Hits Bottom

Now that Slate is a pay service e-zine, with a whopping 20,000 subscribers, we're stuck looking at other sources of information to check on its health (what, you expected us to pay for it?). One nice indication of Microsoft's level of support is where Slate is on the list of Microsoft sites. This list is usually on the top right of MS-supported sites, providing a link between the "network affiliates."
Slate comes up almost dead last, after Hotmail, MS Internet Start, MSN.com, MS Investor, Expedia, Internet Gaming Zone, Expedia Maps, Sidewalk, Encarta, and Microsoft Plaza -- but just before "More Microsoft Sites..." Not exactly a ringing endorsement.

[Follow the DeathRace online at: http://www.mediawhore.com/deathrace]
 

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"3-Minute Roast" is a bi-weekly, advertisement-free, opinionated rip on anything that strikes our fancy in the online world.

Max Schlickting - Editor-in-Chief
Barbara Yalpsid - Online Editor
Lefty Periwinkle - First Amendment Expert

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This e-newsletter is copyright 1998 Mark Glaser

 

If you have comments or suggestions or would like to subscribe, email glaze@sprintmail.com
 

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