IMPORTANT NEWS BULLETIN
[meaning it's slightly more pressing than what Monica Lewinsky ate for lunch but not quite as meaningful as Mark McGwire mumbling into a microphone]

DEPT. OF JUSTICE SUBPOENAS 3MR EXECS IN ANTITRUST CASE

San Francisco -- In an astounding new turn of events in the Microsoft antitrust trial, 3MR executives have revealed that they too were forced by the Redmond-based software company to kill a project that would have competed with Microsoft. 3MR Labs, the super-secret research division of 3-Minute Roast Inc., had been working on a browser code-named "Beelzebub" which only brings up "sin" sites containing pornography, graphic language, online casinos, and "Dukes of Hazzard" fan pages.

In the summer of 1996, Microsoft operatives discovered 3MR plans and began development of their own anti-"Net Nanny" technology, dubbed "Microsoft XXX." According to 3MR Labs' chief technologist on the project, Lefty Periwinkle, MS honcho Bill Gates met with him that summer in an effort to split the market for revealing browsers.

"Bill made it very clear that we would have to play by his rules," Periwinkle said, still shaken from the memory. "Microsoft wanted to control the porn, gambling and money-laundering sites, leaving us with sites for dirty jokes and photoshopped pictures of celebrities. Not exactly a fair split."

When 3MR was unwilling to make a deal, Microsoft then threatened 3MR with the suspension of its MS software licenses, as well as access to MSN and other key Microsoft properties that are usually the butt of jokes. Periwinkle says that cutting off 3MR's access to Microsoft Bob was like "cutting off our air supply."

Finally 3MR had no choice but to cancel the promising project. In depositions to the Dept. of Justice, Periwinkle says Microsoft leveraged its monopoly in stupidity to force 3MR out of the adult browser market. "If you can't make fun of Microsoft," he says, "you're left with second-tier targets like Larry Ellison, Zapata, and the iMac mouse. That might get you a couple average Jay Leno-type monologues, but not much more."
 

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The Linux Story Template

In response to the last 3MR about Tech Story Templates, we received this heartfelt note from longtime reader, Dave Humbird:

I've wished for some time that I could quit my job and get a new one writing technical articles for ZDNet, etc. All it really takes is a gun and a barrel full of ducks.

I'm a fan of Linux and I've read a hundred articles about how it's going to give NT a run for Bill's money. It's apparent that these writers like to sit around and ponder the "what-ifs," so we end up with a hundred articles that read something like:

In the future, Linux could become a serious competitor to Microsoft if:

1. Tier 1 software vendors start to port their apps to Linux
2. A common user interface is developed
3. More people learn to appreciate and use it

Wow! How enlightening! I think my boxer shorts could be a serious competitor to Microsoft if they had all that going for them!

...And here I am using my own brain like a sucker.

Dave
 

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"3-Minute Roast" is a bi-weekly, advertisement-free, opinionated rip on anything that strikes our fancy in the online world.

Max Schlickting - Editor-in-Chief
Barbara Yalpsid - Online Editor
Lefty Periwinkle - First Amendment Expert

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