Watergate, Zippergate...Billgate(s)Redmond, Wash. -- CBS MarketWatch's financial guru Rebecca Eisenberg recently ran a column with an interesting demand: "Never mind videotapes of presidential apologies. I'd like to see the taped apology of the other most powerful Bill in the world -- Bill Gates."
Never mind that the prez videotape was of testimony before a grand jury and not of an apology. Maybe Eisenberg is on to something...
We at 3MR have always believed that the only good dead horse is one that's been beaten repeatedly. In the case of Microsoft and its boy-wonder-gone-megalomaniac Bill Gates, we just can't pass up another opportunity to poke, prod and skewer. So, using complex scenario software deemed "Too Hot for the Pentagon," we had our super Pentium-powered computer calculate exactly what such an apology might sound like coming from BillG. We knew the likelihood of such an event was about 1 in 2.7 trillion, or about the odds of someone interesting ever being elected president again...but what the hay.
An Innovative Apology, by Bill Gates
"My fellow Americans and PC users. I have brought you all together here because I can, because you really have no choice but to listen to me. I want you to know that I did something wrong while trying to innovate and help consumers get more from their PC experience. It's something I'm not proud of, and I know that I've hurt people, even though those people deserved to be hurt because they weren't very smart.
"Most importantly, this is a private matter between my family, my executive board, my hard drive and my God (if I had one). I truly regret the statement I made, 'I'm going to make this very clear: I did not have sex with those women, those prostitutes.' As Wendy Goldman Rohm has so cleverly pointed out in her book, 'The Microsoft File,' I have dined with many beautiful, 'paid' women. But I reiterate, they had 'paid' for my software, so I was merely repaying them for their business.
"So while I am feeling a slight pang of remorse, I must take this opportunity to say that Janet Reno and her goons at the Department of Justice have taken their inquiry too far. What started out as an investigation into a small LAN deal in Arkansas has turned into a witch hunt, with subpoenas to good friends at Intel, Apple, Real Networks, Caldera (OK, no friends there), and others. They are innocent people whose lives have been shattered by this very very partisan, pro-Netscape lynching mob.
"I certainly have said things that I regret a little. I am only human, and do make mistakes about once every 17 years. I did try to stomp out Netscape Navigator, evil spawn of Mountain View. I did want to subvert, pollute, mangle and destroy cross-platform Java. But it was all in the name of innovation. Consumers have repeatedly said they want everything simplified for them, with one standard operating system, set of applications, programming tools, and so on. With our "Windows Everywhere" campaign, we want to do just that.
"I hope that the American people and the U.S. government will accept my heartfelt feelings of remorse, and that I can get past this episode and concentrate on doing what the people want me to do: build great products, deliver great value to Microsoft stock, and squeak like a field mouse. Thank you, and God bless Windows 98 and the whole family of Microsoft products."
[Commentators then come on to argue vociferously whether Gates was indeed sorry, or whether he'd just thumbed his nose at us. MSNBC devotes 6 hours every night to special squawkfests under the logo: Commander-in-Geek in Crisis.]
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