3-Minute Roast, Vol. 2, No. 37

"Torching Techies Since March 1996"(tm)
A Poke in the Eye of the Online/Multimedia Industrial Complex
[a.k.a. "The Flea on the Butt of the Microsoft Empire"]

[scientifically tested to take no longer than 3 minutes to read, and then wake up in the nightmare of your Microsoftian reality]

A World Without Microsoft = Utopian Dream?
or
"Imagine There's No Windows/It's Easy If You Try"

Ground Zero, Redmond, Wash. -- Sun Microsystems ran a commercial awhile ago showing what the world would be like if there were no Sun (the company, that is). It was a dark place where financial markets lost power, kids' bikes ran backwards, and Sun god Scott McNealy pumped gas for a living. But it tweaked our wild-eyed imagination: What if there was no Bill Clinton? What if there were no bomb pops? What if there was no Muzak? Or, dare we say it, if there was never a Microsoft?

With all the people railing against the vile Redmond behemoth, fattened up like Jabba the Hut on a pile of $17 billion in petty cash, we wondered how our world would be different without Microsoft. The company itself would argue that the U.S. economy would be in the tank, and millions would be out of work and have to take on low-paying jobs like social work, teaching, or environmental cleanup. We beg to differ, picturing a John Lennon-like Utopia where:

* Magazines like PC World, Windows, NT Aficionado, and Microsoft Bob User Journal could take up more important topics like global warming, the mating habits of extinct ducks, and Xtreme Tiddlywinks.

* When a travel agent asks you, "where do you want to go today?" you can answer with a favorite vacation spot instead of a muted groan.

* Steve Ballmer takes over "Crazy Eddie" electronics stores in New York City and keeps them thriving by starring and yelling in its commercials.

* Everyday appliances like toasters, microwaves, telephones, home lighting, and cars remain simple to operate without the threat of being run by bloated computer operating systems.

* Geeks are not chic.

* The Rolling Stones' song "Start Me Up" conjures up images of Mick Jagger prancing around stage, singing "You make a dead man come!"

* The richest person in the world is an unknown Saudi prince.

* Apple's Steve Jobs gets up every morning, opens his window, and calls out to his subjects: "I'm king of the world!" (PCs still cost $2,500.)

* "Word" is a term reserved for a promise, affirmation or assurance rather than processing.

* The world is filled with trust instead of antitrust.

******

DeathRace 2000(tm)
[We highlight the lowlights among three online ventures that are
struggling: Slate, HotWired, and Snap!]

Slate Not Long For This World?

Now that Snap! and HotWired have been snapped up (by NBC and Lycos, respectively), that leaves sick cousin Slate in the lead to the finished line by a good margin. Of course Lycos could easily barf up Wired Digital at some point. But Forbes magazine's Eric Nee had this to say about Microsoft's online lit zine in a recent cover story:

"Then there is Slate, the online magazine into which Microsoft has poured millions. A roster of journalistic stars hasn't generated nearly enough traffic and subscriptions to make it pay. Its editor Michael Kinsley came close to leaving Slate earlier this year, and rumors are that Slate will not survive long in its present form."

Does that mean Slate will soon become a new e-commerce site hawking chalkboards? An auction house for washed-up literary lights? We can't wait...

********

"3-Minute Roast" is a bi-weekly, advertisement-free, opinionated rip on
anything that strikes our fancy in the online world.

Max Schlickting - Editor-in-Chief
Barbara Yalpsid - Online Editor
Lefty Periwinkle - First Amendment Expert

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