3-Minute Roast, Vol. 2, No. 38

A Poke in the Eye of the Online/Multimedia Industrial Complex

[scientifically tested to take no longer than 3 minutes to read, according to our almost-perfect exit polls]

3MR's Second Annual Spam Retorts

[FYI: Annual features mean our creative well of ideas is running dry.]

Spamville, USA -- We have to hand it to those friendly spammers. It used to be easy to detect bulk spam email, with its CAPITAL LETTER SCREAMS!!!, bizarre email addresses (bob@richerthangod.com), questionable grammar and lack of manners.

But thanks to Congress and ISPs cracking down -- and the general public catching on -- spammers have become much more proper, and craftier. Now you get a personalized message, or vague subject lines like "About last night..." or "Check this out." Even reverse psychology like "Don't open this email!..." which leads to the inevitable: "unless you want to be a millionaire instantly!"

Regardless, we're still happy to receive a steady torrent of offers, and would like to respond to some of our recent faves:

Bill301@success600.com writes: Fire the Boss and break the Alarm Clock! Never commute again! make $2000-$5000 per week from home! You can start out in your spare time, work part time or full time if you want to! no selling! not mlm! stay home with the family! Proven track record of success!

3MR retorts: Bill! You don't explain anything! Just because you use exclamation points after every line doesn't make it exciting! Where's your proven track record of success? If you're so successful, why waste your time with us, a bunch of money-losing bozos working at home?

remove1now@hotmail.com writes: We invite you to try out the new
"Equipment Buyers Guide Catalog" absolutely free! WHY? We are sending this to people we believe have an interest in items such as rack,
conveyor, forklifts, etc. We'll send you a special URL to the hottest "Insiders Monthly Liquidation Web Site" on the net! This is insider information that will amaze co-workers. It's really cool.

3MR retorts: Finally! Inside information on forklifts and conveyor belts! Now what made you believe we had an interest in those items? We admit that liquidation site is probably "really cool," but we prefer getting our inside-machinery info from The Dredge Report.

Amy Horowitz writes: Greetings! I thought I would take some time today to let you know about a wonderful new software package that will dramatically increase your web site's visibility. It's called The Spider, and I have been using it for several months and enjoyed a tremendous increase in my website's traffic. Before I let you in on our secret download location, let me tell you a bit more about it...

3MR retorts: Greetings! Please don't take up our time today or any other day with your cockamamie pyramid scheme. We don't want more traffic to our Web site, and how can you have a "secret download location" if you just sent it out to 10 million people?

"Censure and Move On" wrote: Today is Election Day. VOTE! And pass this e-mail on to at least 10 people right now telling THEM to vote! If you DO pass this on, Bill Gates will not send you to Disneyland, you will not see virgins having sex live on the Internet, you will not get life advice from Kurt Vonnegut, you will not see a frighteningly life-like dancing baby...BUT YOU WILL help send a message to pro-impeachment, investigation-addicted, scandal-blinded politicos in Washington that it is time to MOVE ON with the business of the nation.

3MR retorts: OK, you guys are funny. Your spam (this time) was entertaining, but when we signed the "Censure and Move On" petition, where did it say: "You will be bombarded with email every day, giving minute-by-minute updates on our crusade, slowly getting under your skin, and making you loathe us almost as much as the media circus around the sex scandal."

James writes: E MAIL KING AND ASSOCIATES PUTS MONEY INTO YOUR POCKET!! OUR COMPANY HAS OVER 3 YEARS PROVEN E MAIL BLASTING EXPERIENCE! CHECK OUT OUR INTRODUCTORY OFFER FOR 10,000 E MAILS TODAY AND JUDGE THE RESULTS FOR YOURSELF! E MAIL KING OFFERS BULK FREINDLY WEB HOSTING! We can target your e-mail broadcastes into the city of your choosing!

3MR retorts: You must be King James, then? Well, Your Highness, as much as we'd love for you to blast our emails into a city of our choice ("take out Boise!" "shell Buffalo!"), we have a hard time with the paradoxical phrase "bulk friendly." Plus, wouldn't the subjects revolt if we used the kind of ugly, crude emails that you do?

Ahhhh. We feel much better now...

********

"3-Minute Roast" is a bi-weekly, advertisement-free, opinionated rip on
anything that strikes our fancy in the online world.

Max Schlickting - Editor-in-Chief
Barbara Yalpsid - Online Editor
Lefty Periwinkle - First Amendment Expert

* If you hate our rantings, send a reply message: "Spam is good for you," and we'll take you off the list.
* To see all our back issues, link up to our award-hogging site at:
http://www.mediawhore.com/3-minute/roastarchive.html
* This material is copyrighted by SPAM (Send People Asinine Mail), a group that lives high on the hog off the 1 percent return from suckers.
* Feel free to forward this to three friends or enemies. Some call it
a (delightful) pyramid scheme; we call it distribution.
 

---