3-Minute Roast, Vol. 2, No. 39

A Poke in the Eye of the Online/Multimedia Industrial Comdex

[scientifically tested to take no longer than 3 minutes to read,
get sick to your stomach, and vomit onto your monitor]

Comdex: It's Not Just a Job, It's a Buttload of Free Drinks

Las Vegas (Not) -- Eons and eons ago (in Internet years), there was a convention called the West Coast Computer Faire, held in San Francisco in April 1977. Geeks wandered around, gawking at the new Apple II computer with 4KB of RAM. Those days are long gone as something called Comdex squats on the Las Vegas Strip, a bloated sprawl of 200,000 conventioneers out to make a fortune in tech, or waste the proceeds of a recent IPO scam or e-commerce deal.

The idea of computer conventions is simple, just as with all conventions: make money for the host by doing nothing. Comdex itself charges outrageously high prices for registration, booth space, conference space, suite space, hotel rooms, hot dogs, and parking. It's no wonder few people bother gambling -- they've already lost it all in exhibition costs.

Though the tech press has always had the worst of it, with reporters moaning about Comdex and its long lines and boring demos, things have started to change. This year's coverage -- more than any other -- includes the glorious (and gory) details of the parties and outrageous excess. We've excerpted some of the scarier stuff, and include our own between-the-lines reading of what really went on. Hey, it beats sending our own staffers on a trip that would even give Hunter S. Thompson pause.

The Washington Post's Shannon Henry:
"As the country's biggest gathering of programmers, technicians, sellers and inventors, Comdex becomes an anthropological study of the tech breed's behavior. The top conclusion: Geeks do have fun. The proof is Bill Nye, who hosts a PBS television show but on Monday night swayed his hips and spun his dance partner to the swing sounds of the Big Bad Voodoo Daddies at the Bellagio Hotel, the newest and most opulent here."

What She Means:
I went to this convention for nerds and losers, and it wasn't half bad. Even King Nerd Bill Nye swayed his hips and looked like he could afford swing dance lessons. I hope they send me on more of these junkets.

The San Jose Mercury News' Chris Nolan:
"For five days every fall, Gates rules this Disneyland for heterosexual men -- Booze! Babes! Gambling! Golf! -- as an estimated 200,000 people in the computer industry gather for five days of drinking, dancing -- uh, make that wriggling around to loud music -- and congratulating themselves for being smarter than everyone else."

What She Means:
I am, of course, much smarter than these yahoos as I sit on my perch on high. And when are they going to come up with a Comdex that caters to women, with Booze! Beefcake! Fashion Shows! Needlepoint! More Martha Stewart!

CNET's Michael Kanellos:
"Convention buffoonery is difficult to avoid in Las Vegas. The common perception is that this is a gathering of highly intelligent, yet undersocialized, geeks. In reality, it is a worldwide gathering of backslapping goons, male and female yucksters who weren't smart enough to get into the graduate department in astrophysics, but were intelligent enough to dodge a life as a civil service employee. Comdex is essentially a week-long event to acknowledge the importance of sales."

What He Means:
You would think tech reporters like myself were highly intelligent, scientific types, when really we're techno-illiterates who couldn't pass high-school physics but didn't want to write obituaries in Paducah, Kentucky for the rest of our lives. Comdex is essentially a week-long substitute for a vacation.

ZDNet's John Hargrave [who was in a wired Winnebago for nine days]:
"'Bill Gates is over there," he said nonchalantly...'You know what?' I said, tossing aside my questions. 'I just really love your products, and I want to give you a hug.' I stretched out my arms and moved toward him. 'Will you hug me?'

"Like a cornered animal, Bill's eyes darted to and fro. He was backed against a railing, with the crowd hemming him in on all sides. With my enormous flourescent hat and freshly glittered face, I embraced him. Bill clenched his fist and wedged it between our bellies to keep me from getting too close. I was so close into him at this point that he had no choice but to halfheartedly place his other hand on my shoulder. 'Thank you,' I said, my face muffled in his chest. 'Thank you.' And then, for the piece de resistance, I kissed his nipple.

"If you remember nothing else from our Comdex antics, I want you to hold on to this one thought for the rest of your life: I kissed the nipple of the richest man in the world."

What He Means:
Comdex is not about bringing together people to create synergy in the world of high technology. It's about getting so s**t-faced drunk you don't know if you kissed Bill Gates' nipple or lost your shirt at slots last night.

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"3-Minute Roast" is a bi-weekly, advertisement-free, opinionated rip on
anything that strikes our fancy in the online world.

Max Schlickting - Editor-in-Chief
Barbara Yalpsid - Online Editor
Lefty Periwinkle - First Amendment Expert

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