3-Minute Roast, Vol. 2, No. 40

A Poke in the Eye of the Online/Multimedia Industrial Complex

[scientifically tested to take no longer than 3 minutes to read,
click, and buy]

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE AND SALE

3MR BRINGS TOGETHER EVERYTHING ON THE WEB UNDER ONE CYBER-ROOF

Cyberspace, USA (December 3, 1998) -- They said it couldn't be done, and they were wrong...again. Today, 3MR MegaCorp. takes the wraps off the most anticipated e-commerce portal on the Web: CyberMall Universe. At the easy-to-remember Web address, BuyConsumeGorge.com, surfers will find everything they'll need to buy for Christmas and more.

How did 3MR go from a feisty e-newsletter to a multinational e-tail outlet overnight? "It's all about alliances," says 3MR Editor and CEO Max Schlickting. "We've been thinking about cashing in on our feisty reputation for some time, and have been planning this wonderful CyberMall for years during bathroom breaks. It finally hit us: By bringing all the best stuff on the Web onto one site, and charging everyone to be there, we could make mucho dinero."

CyberMall Universe is your portal to the best in books, music, clothes, auctions, hot chat, and autographed Microsoft memorandums from the antitrust trial. 3MR has co-marketing deals currently pending with Amazon.com, CDNow, Preview Travel, The History Channel, MTV, Lee Iacoca, Cindy Crawford, and Puff Daddy. Each participant in the CyberMall will pay a portion of each transaction to 3MR, and will turn over a small percentage of credit card numbers for 3MR's use on trips to the Bahamas.

"It's a win-win situation for everyone," says Schlickting, licking his chops at the vast cyberspace prospects. "The e-tailers reach more customers, and the customers have everything they need on one convenient shopping site. They never have to leave our site and venture into the dark, scary alleys of the Web."

To promote the site, 3MR has given stakes in its company to Time Warner, NBC, and News Corp. in return for prime-time TV commercials and co-branded areas on the CyberMall. These include "CNN/Fortune" Rejected Script Bazaar, "Suddenly Susan" Blooper Videos, and special online auctions for old Tony Danza wardrobes. Schlickting believes it's these types of unique attractions that will set CyberMall Universe apart from all the look-alike, money-grubbing shopping sites.

As for competition from real-world malls, 3MR offers many features not found in brick-and-mortar-and-mylar stores:

* The patented "Voice of CyberSanta" will "ho-ho-ho" every time you click on an item to purchase.

* You wait in no lines, don't have to fight for parking spaces, pay no sales taxes, and don't have to hassle with returns or warranties (since they're not available).

* With each purchase, you can feel warm inside from helping overworked Internet workers/slaves/elves by boosting the price of their stock options. And the bonus is that you'll be helping create a paradigm shift in buying habits so that eventually you'll never have to leave the safety of your home.

* CyberMall Universe will absolutely, positively never play Christmas Muzak (barring an unforeseen third-party alliance with Muzak Online).

About 3MR MegaCorp.
3MR is the leading publisher of sarcastic periodicals in the entire Midwest Region of Eastern San Francisco. Its CyberMall Universe is known around the Internet as the leading place to shop for Christmas, and has been lauded in a variety of periodicals, including those not owned by 3MR, for its convenience, lack of sophistication, and general charm. The site is maintained by 20 high school students in South Dakota, and will be redesigned when needed for a stock boost. This press release contains backward-thinking plans that are trademarked by 3MR MegaCorp. and can only be used or mocked with our express written consent. We reserve the right to think you're certifiably insane for taking us seriously.

********

"3-Minute Roast" is a bi-weekly, advertisement-free, opinionated rip on
anything that strikes our fancy in the online world.

Max Schlickting - Editor-in-Chief
Barbara Yalpsid - Online Editor
Lefty Periwinkle - First Amendment Expert

* If you hate our rantings, send a reply message: "I practice safe shopping," and we'll take you off the list.
* To see all our back issues, link up to our award-hogging site at:
http://www.mediawhore.com/3-minute/roastarchive.html
* This material is copyrighted by Shopaholics Anonymous, who gather to binge and purge at malls across the country.
* Feel free to forward this to three friends or enemies. Some call it
a pyramid scheme; we call it distribution.

---