<HEAD> <TITLE>3-Minute Roast Vol.2, No. 7</TITLE> </HEAD> <body bgcolor="#FFFFFF"> <META Name="keywords" Content="humor,satire,high tech humor,venture capitalists, hype,multimedia,multimedia gulch,shovelware,illuminati,Mark Glaser,billions wasted on useless products,cd-rom,kiosk,high risk, vc,v.c.,Kliener-Perkins,Mayfield Fund,rich overeducated MBA, useless overeducated MBA,internet,intranet,humor,satire,fun "> <CENTER> <IMG SRC="doerr.gif" ALT=Any resemblance to a KP partner is strictly coincidental"><BR> <B>3-Minute Roast, Vol. 2, No. 7</B><P> A Poke in the Auld Lang Syne of the Online/Guy Lombardo/Dick Clark Industrial Partying Complex <P> [scientifically tested to take no more than 3 minutes to read, unless you fail the random breath-alyzer test]<BR><BR> </CENTER> <BLOCKQUOTE> <B> Our New Year's Resolutions </B><P> You're probably past sick of the 1997 year-in-review special reports, rehashing happier times when AOL was refunding money, the Heaven's Gate cult lifted off, and Princess Di was caught in the line of camera fire. We'll spare you the pain of another look back, but that doesn't mean we can't indulge in that other New Year's cliche: resolutions that are so thoughtful, so kind, so uplifting that we couldn't possibly be serious about keeping them.<P> Without further rambling, we present:<P> 3MR's 1998 New Year's Resolutions<P> * Abolutely, positively no more Bill Gates jokes (except if he dances like a geek at an industry party or shoves his "Web lifestyle" down our throats).<P> * Our vaunted "3MR research" will include more than just sitting on our butts and imagining that something happened in our wildest daydreams. <P> * We will never single out CNET for roasting (unless referring to funding problems, wishy-washy editorial, layoffs, or clashing color schemes). <P> * We will learn to love flashing, animated banner ads, blinking text, revolving GIFs and other doodads that generally make it impossible to actually read a Web page. <P> * We will kick back, pop open a beer, and soak in the lovely atmosphere at live concert Webcasts -- not flinching when the video freezes, not grimacing when the audio gurgles. We will pull out a lighter, flick it to life, and scream out "FREEBIRD!!!!" at every opportunity. <P> * Jenny McCarthy, Pamela Lee and Madonna will not be the butt of our jokes. We'll let them make fools of themselves. <P> * 3MR will report only factual information that has been backed up by three separate, unrelated people who have not served time in jail, have passed lie detector tests, and could not possibly be called "disgruntled former employees." <P> * We will honor and respect the new Apple CEO, whoever the hell would be foolish enough to take that hapless post. <P> * We won't be petty, sophomoric, vengeful, embarrassingly unfunny, cryptic, in-joking, sardonic, platonic, Dilbert-esque, or Beatles-esque unless totally necessary. <P> * No matter how much pressure we get from our shareholders, 3MR will never institute e-commerce, with readers paying electronically per laugh. You can build the Giggle-O-Meter to detect joyous noises coming from our readers, but we'll never let you hook it up to their bank accounts. We have our limits! <P> [As is traditional on New Year's, these and all other resolutions expressly written or implied can be broken on January 2 without hard feelings or guilt trips.] <P> <CENTER>**********</CENTER><P> DeathRace 2000(tm) Web Site Launch<P> You've read our weekly coverage of the foibles of HotWired, Snap! and Slate. Now you can experience the thrill of DeathRace 2000, The Web Site. Complete with a clickable timeline, horses limping to the glue factory, and absolutely no animated GIFs, the DeathRace site is fun for the whole family. <P> Just chug on over to: <P> http://www.mediawhore.com/deathrace<P> We'll be adding more items to the timeline as they happen, and we'd be thrilled to have your participation. Just hit the "Tip Us Off" graphic (or reply to this email), and we'll be happy to add your item if it smells like the truth. <P> May the lamest horse win! <P> </BLOCKQUOTE> <CENTER>*********</CENTER> <BLOCKQUOTE><P> "3-Minute Roast" is a weekly, advertisement-free, opinionated rip on anything that strikes our fancy in the online world. <P>Max Schlickting - Editor-in-Chief <BR>Barbara Yalpsid - Online Editor <BR>Lefty Periwinkle - First Amendment Expert <P> * If you hate our rantings, send a reply message: "Quit pissing in my eggnog" and we'll discontinue service.<BR> * To see all our back issues, link up to 3MR on the Web at:<BR> http://www.mediawhore.com/3-minute/roastarchive.html<BR> * The material is the exclusive copyright of PromiseBreakers, dedicated to people who simply aren't dedicated.<BR> * Feel free to forward this to three friends or enemies. Some<BR> call it a pyramid scheme; we call it distribution.<BR> <CENTER> <HR WIDTH="100%"></CENTER> </BLOCKQUOTE> <CENTER>This e-newsletter is copyright 1997 Mark Glaser</CENTER><P> Happy New Year from the Happy Folks at 3-Minute Roast <P> <CENTER>If you have comments or suggestions, email <I><A HREF="mailto:glaze@sprintmail.com">glaze@sprintmail.com</A></I></CENTER> <CENTER> </CENTER> <CENTER> <HR WIDTH="100%"></CENTER> <BR><BR> <CENTER> Back to 3-Minute Roast Archives <A HREF="roastarchive2.html">Volume 2</A> <P> Back to 3-Minute Roast Archives <A HREF="roastarchive.html">Volume 1</A> </CENTER> <BR><BR></BLOCKQUOTE>