3-Minute Roast, Version 2.09

An Even Sharper Poke in the Eye of the Online/Multimedia Industrial Complex

[thanks to new faster technology, 3MR is scientifically tested to take no more than 2.98 minutes to read]

The Version Diversion

Computer software is in a constant state of flux. There's always a (perceived) need to update it, add a coupla whizzy features, stomp out a few annoying bugs, balloon its size a few dozen megs, and sock it to the user (now feeling used). Beta software comes as version .95, the first shipping version is 1.0. After a glitch erases a few customers' hard drives, there's version 1.01; when it needs to be customized for MMX, there's version 1.5, etc.

The pundits are split as to whether a new version number means "mature product" or "continually flawed product." That hasn't daunted some people from throwing around version numbers for non-software items. Microsoft's new version of its online city guides is being dubbed Sidewalk 3.0. Inside sources say Bill's boys are itching to lay off most city workers and use a centralized office in Seattle, which would defeat the local sales idea but might turn a profit as a big database.

And the online Wired zine hawked its redesign as HotWired 4.0 on San Fran city buses, prompting folks to think they'd entered the software business. Those kooky Wiredheads insist on version numbers for everything, with a recent Wired News story about Apple's deja vu with Steve titled "Jobs 2.0." Just needs some ad copy: "Less hair, more expensive designer glasses, as megalomaniacal as ever!"

As Microsoft looks to extend, expand and annihilate, we can expect version numbers everywhere:

MSNBC's "The Site," Version 2.0: New host Sarah Michelle Gellar (TV's Buffy the Vampire Slayer) chats with cyber-character Dev 2.0, now with the voice of Barry White, usually about even cooler, more expensive high-tech gadgets.

"The Road Ahead, Version 2.1" book by Bill Gates: Any monopolizing-type language is stricken, as is anything referring to Microsoft as the "next big media company."

The Microwave Oven, Version 3.0: Using Windows 98, this model comes bundled with Radiation Explorer, letting you trace radiation particles as they surf through your lunchmeat.

Air 95: Optimized for people who work in unventilated buildings; not recommended for growing apples, and not compatible with open air standards, Air Jordans or "Con Air."

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Web Weak

Though 3MR puts its fact-checkers through incredibly rigorous training (even forcing them to diagram sentences), mistakes do get through. In last week's faux press release, we referred to Web Week as a failed magazine. What we should have said was that Mecklermedia is closing down Internet World magazine and renaming Web Week as Internet World. Web Week has been a thin shadow of a mag for a while, but we still appreciate its utterly yawn-inducing design and by-the-book reporting. With the new (old) name, we look forward to them lighting the online world on fire.

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DeathRace 2000(tm)

[Each week, we'll highlight the lowlights among three online ventures that are struggling: Slate, HotWired, and Snap!]

[follow the race online: http://www.mediawhore.com/deathrace]

Slate Looks in the Mirror...Again

Slate Editor-in-Chief 1.0 Michael Kinsley once again takes journalists to task for saying Microsoft shouldn't be in the media business. Kinsley hems and haws, but makes a nice case in his Readme column from last Christmas:

"...the special concern about Microsoft entering the field is hard to understand. Microsoft has been founding new journalistic institutions (Slate, MSNBC, etc.)--not buying up existing ones. Thus Microsoft's media adventures add to diversity and competition among the media, rather than reducing it. This makes the complaints of journalists in particular about Microsoft getting into the journalism business especially puzzling. A journalist who objects to a new company getting into journalism is a journalist with a secure job."

But no matter how much Slate scrutinizes Microsoft, the fact is that it certainly mentions Microsoft a lot: A search through Slate for the word "Microsoft" turned up 744 hits. Positive or negative, that's a lot of publicity.

"3-Minute Roast" is a weekly, advertisement-free, opinionated rip on anything that strikes our fancy in the online world.

Max Schlickting - Editor-in-Chief
Barbara Yalpsid - Online Editor
Lefty Periwinkle - First Amendment Expert

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