3-Minute Roast, Vol. 3, No. 2

A Poke in the Eye of the Digital Devolution(tm)

[scientifically tested to take no longer than 3 minutes to read, unless you're a skim-it digerati type]

Wired Fast Forwards to a Future of Magazine Gimmicks

Rehabbed, Yuppified Loft Space in SOMA, San Francisco -- If there's one thing we like more than getting spam emails, it's canned letters from magazines asking politely, then getting upset, then *demanding* that we keep our subscription alive. In the case of hipster-turned-Conde Nast-property Wired mag, we were actually a takeover casualty of sorts. We were a happy subscriber of The Web magazine (c'mon, you remember that one, right?), when it suddenly went under and Wired bought their sub list, and converted us -- kicking and screaming -- to followers of the digital revolution and every puke-inducing thing that entails.

Our local recycler rejected old issues because of their glossy sheen, and even the neighborhood cats were scared by the neon colors and dogged rhetoric. So we had a few choice words for the folks in Wired circulation and billing when they sent us their hilarious form letters with infomercial-type phrases that seemed very, uh, un-Wired: "Send no money!" "Stick with us. Save with us." "And thank you!"

Catherine Huchting, Director of Circulation, writes: "If you don't mail us your renewal instructions right away, you won't get Wired. And that means -- No more cutting-edge reports on the cultural and social issues affecting our world. An end to fascinating updates on the people and products affecting your future. Silence in place of dispatches on politics in the era."

3MR responds: We do appreciate so much your dispatches on politics in the era. Please dispatch a copyeditor to read your dispatches first. We have to take issue with the phrase "cutting-edge" however, since the New Guard at Wired seems to want to make the magazine about their own social issues. In the January issue on page 143, fr'instance, there's a feature called "Wired Live" with pictures from a Wired party in L.A. with no less than three pictures of Editor in Chief Katrina Heron and publisher Dana Lyon carousing with mucky-mucks.

Catherine Huchting, in another letter, writes: "Is technology good? Is it creating valuable tools by which people can lead better, more fulfilling lives? These are difficult questions to ponder. That's why you subscribe to Wired. Unless you renew, you lose that perspective. You re-enter the non-Wired world of one-dimensional, uninspired thinking."

3MR responds: You know, we at 3MR (in our one-dimensional, uninspired world) ask ourselves the same questions. And we wonder how Wired magazine gives us any perspective but one of disgust. A feature called "The Wired Diaries" on page 97 of the Jan. issue includes little comments from famous and semi-famous people on technology, yet there is no depth or context and a few are outright advertisements. Craig Mundie of Microsoft tells how he gave his family WebTV and now they communicate so much more (oh yeah, Microsoft owns WebTV now); and race-car driver Jeff Gordon hypes his new videogame. Thanks for the insight.

Peter Corbett, Billing Manager, writes: "I strongly encourage you to renew immediately. You don't want to risk missing out on the valuable information that appears each month in Wired. To be successful today, you need Wired. You need to know about tomorrow's corporate leaders. About the possibilities that emerging technology creates."

3MR responds: So now you have to sic the billing/Mafioso guy on us, huh? What can we say, Peter? We just loved that wonderful Wired 25 issue, with a list of the "Dreamers, Inventors, Mavericks, Leaders" including everyone's favorite neanderthal, Steve Ballmer of Microsoft. Or maybe he wasn't one of "tomorrow's corporate leaders" after all, because in the very next issue, you said Ballmer was an unknown quantity as a company leader -- one of the "83 Reasons Why Bill Gates's Reign is Over."

Peter, we do need to know about the possibilities that emerging technology creates, but what about the possibilities created when a big-time mainstream publishing house buys out an egotistical independent magazine? A cover line that reads "The Truth About Vibrators" and a back page that's now become the Harley-Davidson Wired Contest (instead of Nicolas Negroponte pontificating...hmmm, which is worse?). Or howzabout some gimmicks? A scratch-off cover in January, and multiple cover designs in February. Inside, the copy reads: "Collect all four original Matt Groening covers, available on newsstands now!"

It was bad enough getting the drivel from folks in the circ. and billing departments, but when the marketing copy and schmooze pix make it inside, that's the final straw! Actually the final straw is this line on your renewal card: "Please fill in your email address below. This is by far the most efficient way to communicate about your subscription and periodic special offers and to poll your opinion on Wired subjects."

By now you know our opinion on the subject of Wired, and we'd rather not get email spams about re-subscribing or "special offers" for mugs, T-shirts or framed covers of Wired signed by the editors.

Whew. We feel much much better now.

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"3-Minute Roast" is a bi-weekly, advertisement-free, opinionated rip on
anything that strikes our fancy in the online world.

Max Schlickting - Editor-in-Chief
Barbara Yalpsid - Online Editor
Lefty Periwinkle - First Amendment Expert

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