3-Minute Roast, Vol. 3, No. 3

A Poke in the Eye of the Online/Multimedia Merger Mania Complex

[scientifically tested to take no longer than 3 minutes to read, and write off as a one-time in-process R&D charge]

USA Networks + Lycos: Who Said Synergy Was Pretty?

New York -- AOL buys Netscape. @Home merges with Excite. Yahoo buys GeoCities. And finally, USA Networks gloms some of its units onto Lycos. And we thought all those multi-billion-dollar Web businesses were really going to make it after all as stand-alone companies. But finally we see a pattern emerging for portals and online auctions and e-commerce sites for selling kitty litter: create company with venture money; say you'll be a leader in whatever; say you'll lose money forever; have a public stock offering; hope to God someone else will buy you out and take over your debt.

Lycos said it really really wanted to be independent, then said it was looking for a media partner, then decided on the obvious deal after all: "USA Networks, Lycos and TicketMaster Online-CitySearch Announce Creation of USA/Lycos Interactive Networks Inc." Talk about a brand name you can get to know and trust...But thanks to a close association with USA chief Barry Diller's hair stylist, 3MR has learned some of the plans for this new e-commerce powerhouse, which includes TicketMaster ticketing, the Home Shopping Network cable channel, and Lycos' holdings like Tripod, HotWired, and Suck.com.

* "HotBot's Hot Weekend Night Searches" on the USA Channel
Scantily clad supermodel wannabe Christy Lee Braindedham will host this informative late-night show, helping viewers learn the niceties of using the HotBot search engine to find soft porn online using voice-recognition technology to keep hands free. Will play in between infomercials and titillating retread movies.

* "Suck.com's Irony Hour" on Home Shopping Network
Hipper-than-thou host Karl Studman will come in to smirk at callers from Tallahassee, and sell off leftover pieces of the Wired Network. Shocking pink Ethernet cables are only $1/foot! Emails notifying staff of downsizing using vague euphemisms, circa 1997, are $5/copy! Old Wired Digital business plans to set up HotWired Kenya, an extreme sports channel, and WebOrangutan -- very rare!! -- are $10/copy signed by Karl.

* Tripod's New Cubic Zirconium Community
Thanks to a cross-marketing agreement, people who buy up to five pieces of diamond-alterative jewelry on HSN are eligible to set up their own home page on Tripod in this gated online community. We can look forward to pages with themes like "The CyberTrailer Park," "She Left Me for the Elvis Lookalike Who Was Officiating Our Wedding," and "Hiding Your Addictions in Chat Rooms."

* TicketMaster Service Charges for Lycos' MP3 Searches
Lycos took too much heat for providing searches for these bootleg music files on the Web, so TicketMaster will lend a hand to make the area credible for the music business. For each royalty-free download the user makes, TicketMaster will charge $4.50 per transaction plus a one-time handling fee of $7.50. The cost will almost equal one CD, and TicketMaster will donate .01 percent of profits to a charity that helps laid-off music execs transfer their skills to other professions -- like loan sharks or used car dealers.

We at 3MR are thrilled about the synergy possibilities created from the marriage of these also-ran companies from the broadcast and online worlds.

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DeathRace 2000(tm)
[We highlight the lowlights among three online ventures that are
struggling: Slate, HotWired, and Snap!]

NBC, Lycos Losing Interest; Slate Wants to Be Free

It had looked like two of our DeathRace 2000 participants had scored with Sugar Daddies, but those big partners are looking pretty distracted. NBC had hooked up with CNET's Snap! portal, but then word came that the Peacock network was interested in buying Lycos and combining (read: killing Snap!) the two into a super-portal. Of course, USA swooped in to nab Lycos, but the point remains: NBC is looking elsewhere. And then came the shocking story in Salon that Lycos might dump Wired Digital after all, due to internal wrangling at Wired among people who sold out the company and are now upset they're getting screwed (surprise, surprise).

While Snap! and Wired Digital are being hung out to dry, Microsoft's Slate e-zine flip-flopped yet again on subscriptions, finally dumping the $19.95/year plan for a new (old) free model. Editor Michael Kinsley says: "The spreadsheet wizards figure that ad revenue from the increased traffic will more than compensate for the lost subscriptions." Where were those so-called wizards last year when Slate decided to charge? Now Slate will be part of the MSN portal. News.com asked: "Is 'MSN Slate' an option down the road? The option has not been considered yet, according to [the new publisher]. But Slate will for now be promoted as a headline on MSN." Ooo boy. That's probably what Kinsley was hoping for when he first left the New Republic for the Microsoft gig.

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"3-Minute Roast" is a bi-weekly, advertisement-free, opinionated rip on
anything that strikes our fancy in the online world.

Max Schlickting - Editor-in-Chief
Barbara Yalpsid - Online Editor
Lefty Periwinkle - First Amendment Expert

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