Any resemblance to a kp partner is strictly coincidental
3-Minute Roast, Vol. 3, No. 4
A Poke in the Eye of the Online Synergistic E-Commerce Complex

[scientifically tested to take no longer than 3 minutes to read; this message brought to you by Swatch watches, the hippest way to tell if you're spending too much time reading email]

This Editorial Space for Sale

Cyberspace, Inc. -- We at 3-Minute Roast love to make fun of the high and mighty of the online and technology worlds. And we know how much you love it when we crack wise about those kooky personalities and hilarious business plans in Silly-con Valley. Unfortunately, these sharp pokes in the eye have not brought in enough money to keep our parent company happy. (Our parents aren't too happy either.)

In order to become the e-commerce powerhouse you knew America could build, we've decided to implement the following new features:

* Amazon.com-Flavored 3MR Book Nook
If you ever read about a book, such as Little Orphan Annie Rice's "The Vampire Will Come Out Tomorrow," here at 3MR, you can link to our special Book Nook to buy the book and receive a special discount. Amazon.com will then sell more shares of itself to the public for the 12th time in order to raise the money to give us commissions for our sales.

* Inktomi-Powered 3MR Search
Looking for the 38th time we made fun of Bill Gates? How about the time we misspelled "cockadoodledo"? This powerful search engine on our Web site will bring up these answers and more. Since we have sold most key words, the Bill Gates search will bring up a treatise on what a giving, sharing guy Bill really is; while "cockadoodledo" will link you to the Rooster.com portal as well as the finest gay porn sites around.

* 3MR-Branded Services
As an online service company, we provide more than just knee-slapping editorial products. Our affiliate shopping sites will help you spend all the money that's left in your wallet, even though these deals sure look like gen-yoo-wine bargains. Be sure to check out Doofus.com, Huckster.com, YouWillWinMoney.com, and Everythingsfree.com.

* 3MR Premium Content for Members
Stop being an uninteractive reader, and join our exclusive club. Membership privileges include the chance to send email complaints about our bad jokes before anyone else; access to a special Webcam showing live views of our company washrooms; the option to buy Class Z shares of 3MR stock (cash value: 1/10,000th of 1 cent; barter value: a Bob Uecker rookie baseball card). If these great premium items don't float your boat, then think of a 3MR Membership as being similar to joining PBS or NPR, but without the high-minded liberal crap.

But we have the sneaky suspicion that you'd really, *really* like to add your two cents or so to what we do here at 3MR. We've always felt that the commercialization of everything related to technology and the Web has not gone far enough, so our upper management has been kind enough to make these special one-time offers to readers. Remember, these opportunities will only last as long as we remain in an incredibly greedy mood! Please take advantage of our them as soon as possible!

Special Going-Out-of-Our-Minds Deals

$100 buys: A joke where the first letter of each word spells out your name, a loved one or a pet.

$1,000 buys: You as the butt of our best joke every issue. As a bonus, we'll include your email address and home phone so fellow readers can pile on the flames.

$10,000 buys: Your name on our masthead. Your title will be "Our Rich Uncle's Bratty Nephew Who Thinks He Can Write."

$50,000 buys: Your name at the top of our masthead. Your title will be "Editor in Chief" and we'll expect you at our office every day from 9 to 5.

$100,000 buys: Our undying devotion and respect to your E Pluribus Punim. A seat on our board of directors. Veto rights on all off-color jokes (except those making fun of Bill Gates). A key to our executive washroom, and the right to add your least favorite tech company to our DeathRace 2000.

With all of this great income, we at 3MR might even start sending out our newsletter on a more regular schedule! (Then again, pigs might fly before that happens.)

********
"3-Minute Roast" is a semi-irregular, advertisement-whoring, opinionated rip on anything that strikes our fancy in the online world.

Max Schlickting - Editor-in-Chief
Barbara Yalpsid - Online Editor
Lefty Periwinkle - First Amendment Expert
Your Name Here - Call Today for a Great Price

* If you hate our rantings, send a reply message: "When are you finally going to really sell out so I won't have to read your drivel," and we'll discontinue your subscription.
* To see our back issues, link up to our award-hogging site at:
http://www.mediawhore.com/3-minute/roastarchive.html
* This material is copyrighted by Editorial Bastardization Services Inc., helping put the "e" in online greed.
* Feel free to forward this to three friends or enemies. Some call it a pyramid scheme; we call it distribution.


This e-newsletter is copyright 1999 Mark Glaser
 
 

If you have comments or suggestions or would like to subscribe, email glaze@sprintmail.com



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