Welcomes for the week of 11/11

. . .but first a Halloween Bonus, since my Dumpster Love Welcome from last week was censored. . .

Monday, Nov. 4 -- "So what did you go out as on Halloween?" This question has become easier to answer in my old age. For the past ten years I've been pretty consistent: For any costume affair, I go as John Lennon. It's easy. I wear wire-rim glasses kind of like his used to be and my hair is long and, well I'm lazy. This year I attended the annual "Shining Ball" at the legendary Stanley Hotel in Estes Park, Colorado. The event honors Stephen King whose stay at the Stanley inspired his book, the feature film and soon to be aired television mini-series. I wanted to find a dark corner of the hotel and get spooked. Never really got around to that unfortunately. So I'm John and my girlfriend went as Paul McCartney. Now you sick-o's can make of that what you will, but she kind of looks like him and put her in a collarless jacket, some Beatle Boots and tight pants and hey--yeah yeah yeah! The skimpy and revealing outfits the other women wore at the ball took me by surprise. I guess when they get a chance to role play they go for it. I say why wait for Halloween? The men generally looked ridiculous (we sat next to Mr. Tomato). The Best-Costume winners were overweight salesmen wearing matching pink tutus and ballerina gear. The coolest thing was learning that Bob Dylan rented the Stanley as a base of operations for his Rolling Thunder tour way back when he was relevant. Speaking of ghosts...


Monday, Nov. 11 -- Electronic commerce is a great idea. Unfortunately there is still a very human element involved: fulfillment. The people with the brown tape and cardboard boxes can make an efficient front-end operation a dead end for the consumer. I like e-commerce and use the web to purchase things whenever I can. The web end of it is pretty slick, but in many cases the rest of the process isn't. Just in the past couple of weeks I've had the wrong discs shipped to me by a computer catalog house, someone else's humidifier filters dumped on my doorstep and software showing up without the manuals (sorry, we can mail those to you sir). Apple Computer's "Service" Center was by far the worst, sending me three wrong monitors (each one a separate overnight shipment!) before they finally got it right. Federal Express announced last week that they will be creating a service to fix problems like this by helping merchants put their catalogs online with FedEx-controlled fulfillment. THAT could be a welcome improvement.


Tuesday, Nov. 12 -- He used to be able to jump up and touch the ends of his feet with his fingers. Now he probably kicks himself in the butt every morning. David Lee Roth, after sinking so low as to get arrested buying a few bucks worth of pot in Central Park, was lifted from obscurity for another fifteen minutes by former employers the Van Halen brothers. Then the spotlight hit him and his ego exploded. Not only did he hog the camera and the audience's attention at the recent MTV Video Music Awards to the growing irritation of the VH bro's, but he insulted Eddie backstage: "This evening isn't about your *****ing hip, it's about ME!" With that he was out of the band again. What an idiot. He was looking at an easy million bucks for touring the country and screaming in rainbow underwear for an hour every night. Now he's probably combing the bushes in Central Park again. (Or was he set up?) Years ago I met Van Hagar when we were videotaping the group doing some bumpers for a Rolling Stone teevee show. They were a riot and very nice to the crew. Eddie was drinking a Colt 45 (it was 10 in the morning) and only finished half. When they left I thought there might be some magic backwash in there so I finished it. (Hey, I'm a guitar player!)


Wednesday, Nov. 13 -- Why do women wear make-up and men wear toupees? Researchers at Denison University in Ohio have found that people feel bald men are more intelligent and would make better fathers. (I've heard rumors, mostly from bald men, about increased sexual prowess too.) Now Cindy Crawford insists men just don't understand how important makeup is to women. She's right as far as I'm concerned. Makeup scares me. It's like, "what's under there?" Ms. Crawford has made a living being what some consider beautiful and now she's written a book about how you can be beautiful too. Uh huh. I wonder what Chapter One has to say: "Start with a mole and a beard." Wait a minute--that's right, she and Richard Gere are no longer married. Pity. Okay start with a mole. My feeling is if you must use makeup, go for effect! I think the girl singer in Garbage has a great painted face. She usually looks like she's been up for three days on a heroin jag. Nice.


Thursday, Nov. 14 -- I wouldn't turn them into drink coasters yet, but techno-visionary and decent guitarist Todd Rundgren predicts CDs will "soon spin into oblivion," replaced by direct delivery of music via your personal computer. "Choose the album you want to hear from your favorite artist's web site." (Could this revelation have anything to do with Mr. Rundgren's difficulties holding onto a recording contract?) Todd has an interesting concept: in the future you would literally subscribe to your favorite artist. This could eliminate a lot of expensive middlemen and may allow for more musical diversity surviving in the marketplace. Then again, this is the guy who named his band "Utopia." It all sounds rosy to me, but my experience with moving consumers to purchase music by remote control ended in the realization that people actually enjoy going to record stores and physically browsing through the stacks. Now if they would just bring back 12" album covers so I can read the print again.


Friday, Nov. 15 -- Cromwell High School in Connecticut gets my award for "Most Likely To Be Mundane." I've just about had it with these self-esteem, outcome-based, politically-correct, feel-good police who run our schools nowadays. Cromwell High has eliminated the tradition of "Most Popular," Best Looking," "Most Likely To Succeed" etc. Guess why. Because of the crushed feelings of those who aren't selected. Oh boo hoo. How about a dose of real life for a change? We don't live in an "everybody-gets-a-turn" society and kids should get used to it as early as possible. Not only that, we are allowing the incremental elimination of the drive to excel. What's so bad about being the best at something or the most popular? Maybe this stings me too close to home because out of my high school class of 400 I was voted two honors: "Most Humorous" and "Most Individualistic." I worked hard for those honors, (just ask the teachers who had to put up with my four year "campaign"). In the end I was asked to choose only one, since they felt it was "unfair" for one senior to have two awards. That's when I began to learn what "fair" is and isn't. Boo hoo.