What's the old saying, "Your freedom to swing your fist stops at the tip of my nose," or something like that? Now the concept of freedom has crept a little farther upstream. Dateline: Independence, Missouri--City Council passes an ordinance outlawing those who create, "a noxious or offensive odor" at council meetings. And why not? Let's keep the method of public voting a show of hands shall we? Dateline: Kennett Square, Pennsylvania--Township Supervisors huddle to determine exactly which smells are offensive! (Let's just say they are going to get to the bottom of this.) Problem is a local Chinese restaurant's essence wafts over a nearby suburban neighborhood, "reducing property value," according to residents. What, is the moo goo ghai pan overwhelming the petunia's or something? To think that Kennett Square proudly proclaims itself the "Mushroom Capital of America!" Hmmm, just don't cook them outside. And toppers for Nose Police are those sensitive folk who want to outlaw perfume and cologne in public. The very thought of it; haven't these people ridden public transportation lately? And what of those obnoxious smelly ads in magazines? And what of me, who is constantly being referred to as The Fart In Church? I think all this over-regulation stinks.


The only aspect of the O.J. Simpson retrial that I find interesting is the stark split along racial lines between those who feel he is guilty and those who feel he was framed. Even more interesting are those who don't even care about his alleged guilt--they just want "one to get off" to "get back" at what they see is an unfair justice system. After the recent presidential election I'm prone to think that people pretty much believe what they want to believe and turn a blind eye to logic and reason if their convictions (no pun intended) come under attack. No amount of evidence will convince someone that O.J. Simpson is guilty, if in their heart, they have a roadblock against reality. That such a large proportion of the African American population feels Simpson is innocent (or at least should go free) is fascinating. Really fascinating. And more than a little unsettling.


You know who I didn't see much of this past election? Former President Jimmy Carter. Where did he go? Was he stumping for Slick Willy and I missed it? Or could it be that the last American president I personally felt was/is honest, couldn't bring himself to support a sitting president who, as even his friends in the press have suggested, is "a stranger to the truth?" You youngsters may not remember much about the Carter presidency--the media was pretty tough on ol' Jim. His corn-pone alcoholic brother's antics didn't help much either (but set the stage for future First Brothers' antics I guess). While former President Carter was out swinging a hammer with Habitats for Humanity, Billary was out throwing bull to get reelected. The lack of a public, working endorsement of Clinton by Carter sent a very strong message to me. Carter is a man of his word and of unblemished integrity. And then there is our current president. . .


The Devil is in the details and there are plenty of details generated daily here in America. The 116th edition of The Statistical Abstract of the United States was just released. (Hold me back.) Some of the numbers are pretty interesting: eleven thousand babies born every day versus six thousand people dying. (That explains why I can't find a decent parking space). The good news is, each day more than twice as many people get married as get divorced (seven thousand to three thousand, respectively), which explains those babies. Well, some of them anyway. Every day there are 27 million ATM transactions (seven million of those can't print a receipt because the paper ran out. . .) The Post Office handles--note it says "handles"--495 million pieces of mail; (except that check you were expecting which got "mishandled.") 33 thousand new cars and trucks roll off the assemblyline, (and one imagines about a third of those will roll back for repairs within months), and 18 thousand vehicles are involved in accidents every single day. . .so please--drive safely!


I come from a Kentucky tobacco family where two generations of tobacco-blending fathers would not allow their families to smoke. (And they wonder why I'm confused.) I feel a little guilty about the pain and suffering my father's and grandfather's products surely caused--so must my father as he specifically steered his three sons away from tobacco production and finally closed the business altogether. What troubles me is the growing number of teenage smokers--some reports suggest one in three these days. I hope the answer isn't as simple as I think it is: youthfull rebellion. Just wait until they try to rebel against a habit thought to be more difficult to kick than heroin. I wonder, though, where these teens' parents are when the kids' clothes reek of nicotine? How many smoking parents turn a blind eye, or even share a pack with their teenaged child? I applaud President Clinton's call for a focus on reducing teen smoking and his efforts to thwart it. One place to start would be to eliminate all federal tobacco subsidies so we can align our government's bad fiscal policies with its good intentions. After all, I want all these kids around for a long long time so I might get to see some social security money.