I've met Barbie. I've worked with Barbie. Barbie is a bitch. A few years back I was doing product introduction videos for Mattel Toys and Barbie was always an assignment I tried to avoid. The marketing managers were notoriously nervous and Barbie herself was hard to work with. Really. Barbie would make a grand entrance into the photo studio with an entourage that included both a stylist and a hair dresser. The hair dresser would be wheeling a large Craftsman Tool cart of little combs, spare heads and various hair sprays. The poses of Barbie and her doting boy toy Ken had to be pre-approved by mysterious and unseen corporate forces. We had strict instructions never to reveal the seam under her little chin. In short, working with Barbie was not easy and not fun. So it was with devilish delight that I heard of "Trailer Trash Barbie," "Exorcist Barbie,""Big Dyke Barbie," "Homeless Barbie," "Hooker Barbie," and "Drag Queen Barbie (actually Ken in a dress)," being sold in San Francisco (where else?). I awaited the righteous indignation of Mattel Incorporated to descend upon this small specialty shop, confiscating the merchandise and hitting them with a punishing defamation suit. Instead, to my surprise, a Mattel spokesperson said that as a "cultural icon" Barbie reflects our "diverse society" and they've allowed these "special editions" to continue be sold. Maybe Barbie's not such a bitch after all.


Watch the horizon around Easter time. . . a second coming may be near. Something I had hoped for may be happening: Steve Jobs, the prodigal son, the banished knight, the yelling, screaming visionary behind Apple's early success may just come riding in at the last moment to save his original company. Flushed with the success of Pixar's "Toy Story" and with a few fresh millions to pad the pockets of his flawless Armani suits, Mr. Jobs could certainly breath a little life into his brainchild before it tanks forever. Let's hope so. I almost met Steve Jobs back when NeXT was taking its sleek black box to the general public through a distribution deal with BusinessLand computer stores in the late '80's. We had produced the product launch presentation and had prepared the Los Angeles hotel ballroom with rear-projection equipment. The NeXT employees were dressed to the nines, and sharply groomed. In walked Steve Jobs looking exactly like millions of dollars. He started shouting at everybody about little details and such. It was extremely cool. I liked him. Thankfully, I kept out of his direct gaze, as I was wearing bedroom slippers and a Hawaiian shirt at the time and just didn't want to get toasted by his temper. A little white heat like this is just what Apple Computer needs right now. A lot of it, in fact. I, for one, hope and pray that Steve Jobs will return to Apple and kick some ass!


The stogie is under attack in San Francisco! Health officials are behind a campaign to stomp out cigars, because they are becoming alarmingly popular with young people. Of all the things for San Francisco health officials to be alarmed about, I personally wouldn't put cigars at the top of the list. "They look like they smell like," is the thrust of the campaign, comparing a fine Cuban import to, well, human export. I have to agree that cigars smell terrible, and I don't know why people like them--especially famous people like David Letterman. I always figured it was to increase the circumference of their personal space to keep pesky fans and employees at arms' length. San Francisco officials are reportedly alarmed that young women are taking up the habit as well! Who knows, maybe what the aficionados say is true, that a glass of fine brandy and a fine cigar is a heavenly way to relax. A malodorous kind of heaven, but heaven to some apparently. I'm pretty sure that the proper way to smoke a cigar is not to inhale, but I could be wrong. That would suggest that the main enjoyment of a cigar is making everyone around you miserable. On second thought, I'm beginning to see the value of the pastime.


I've always been slightly suspicious when a nine year old "decides to sue" somebody. I sense a parental involvement on some level in these cases. Or the ACLU. The fuzzy thinkers at the Texas chapter of the ACLU think they have a clear case of discrimination down in Arlington because a 17 year old female wrestler isn't being allowed to go to the mat with the boys. These people need a hobby, and the 17 year old girl who wants to fight 17 year old guys needs some sense knocked into her. The girl's parents have run out and secured the services of an attorney to attempt to force the Texas Wrestling Officials Association to allow her to compete against the guys. One of the officials asked at what point can we expect her to complain about sexual harrassment because she didn't like the way she was grabbed? Good point. I suppose the ACLU will be in on that too. When the pursuit of "fairness" goes way too far, into the Twilight Zone, you can suspect that the ACLU is probably involved. And if this girl's parents think this is a true quest or just a cheap publicity stunt, they should be ashamed of themselves and have their heads examined.


Sick and dying people can just continue to suffer, as far as the Federal Government is concerned. Barry McCaffrey, (who always looks like he's always just smelled something bad), is stepping forward to protect out nation's youth from the "dangers of marijuana," with Bill Clinton's blessings. (Hey, what do mere doctors know anyway?) This is, of course, in reaction to California and Arizona's recently passed voter initiatives that would open the door for more research and experimentation with medical marijuana. McCaffrey feels that allowing doctors to prescribe medical marijuana to cancer and AIDS patients, ". . .sends the wrong message," to America's youth. Oh, and Bill Clinton on MTV saying that if he had it to do over again he would probably inhale DOESN'T? This mixed-up administration, with the election behind it, is now jockeying for its position in history, and obviously doesn't want the camel's nose of medical marijuana inside the tent of political respectability. This simple little plant, which grows by the side of the road and was put here on earth by the Great Almighty, is being portrayed as a "dangerous drug." It's a natural herb that can ease a sufferer's pain and prevent wasting away of a human life. In my 42 years I've never heard of, nor have I seen any evidence that marijuana is dangerous. Can someone name just one person who has died because of it? If you, dear reader, can direct me to such information please email me. I want to become enlightened. In my opinion, McCaffrey doesn't know jack about Mary Jane.