BOO!

First it was aspirin, then a student offering a Midol tablet to a classmate, now a 13 year old is in trouble for playing around with an Alka-Seltzer tablet during school hours. Can we get a handle on the hysteria please? School administrators, long lax at providing an actual education for our nation's youth are now trying to shore up their sagging public image with a harsh "no tolerance" drug campaign that's slopping over into Mom's medicine cabinet. (Just nobody open the door to the teacher's lounge during break, because you're liable to be overcome with tobacco smoke.) The hypocrisy is getting pretty deep as inefficient public educational institutions rally for relevance. Programs like D.A.R.E. wildly exaggerate the dangers of marijuana, for instance, to the point where even junior high schoolers dismiss the misinformation as baloney. Meanwhile according to Bill Clinton, eight year olds can't read, and I bet it isn't because they're on drugs.

Like one of the early Disney morality plays, the "Happiest Place On Earth" has been taken over by the evil villain Michael Eisner. Eisner has used the Disney umbrella to produce entertainment that flies in the face of the traditional family values on which the Disney legend was built. Eisner supposedly "saved" Disney Studios by producing for the lowest common denominator, putting curse words and questionable values on screen for the first time in Disney's history. Walt's probably rolling over in his grave, or freezer cabinet as the case may be (I hear they only kept his head anyway). The Disney legend is dead folks, wholesome is passe'-- it's Eisnerland now. Evidenced by the latest "Disney" (Hollywood Records) release: Blackacidevil" from satanic rock group Danzig. I live for the day they thaw Walt out and he returns triumphantly, well a little freezer burn here and there, to show Michael Eisner the door.

Last night I tried to watch some baseball on television. I really did. Got some chips, a beer and peanuts and turned the sound way up. All I saw was some grown men with five o'clock shadows standing around in their pajamas spitting occasionally. This is excitement? Not even a half time show or cheerleaders or anything. A While back I tried to watch that PBS documentary by Ken Burns and I thought I'd fallen into a slow motion parallel universe or something. Borrrrrinnngg. Maybe baseball was the national pastime once, but now I bet the national pastime is teevee channel surfing. (At least it's colorful and kinetic while you're being bored.) They say that baseball is a game of statistics, that all those little numbers really mean something important. When I want excitement I turn to math? Sorry, other than hot dogs and brew the World's Series means nothing to me.

John Kennedy Jr. epitomizes current American government and he isn't afraid to admit it. He says, "Politics is far too important to be left just to politicians." As if this line wasn't written for him, as if he isn't a third-rate failed actor and without extensive tutoring and several tries wouldn't even be a bad lawyer. But not to be to harsh on the boy, he does have a nice lock of hair, a good bloodline and a pop political rag named George. Mr. Hunk, who finally decided to marry his girlfriend because of a Nike billboard according to his own romantic account, is just about as shallow as they come. As if female voters will care. Ladies and Gentlemen of America, I give you the Perfect President for our time.

What's all this nonsense about this new book "The Rules" ladies? I have some rules: number one is I make the rules. Is that in the book somewhere? Any woman who needs a book of rules to land a man is in trouble already. These arbitrary guidelines may provide a convenient excuse for failure (". . .well, you know, Biff just refused to abide by Rule Number 28 so I just had to let him go. . .") yeah right. Be the first to hang up? How about NOT HAVING ANY HANG-UPS, that would be a refreshing change. In Real Life Love ladies, all bets are off and rules are for fools. It's a jungle out there. For every woman expecting a man to abide by some set of instructions, there will be two girls smart enough to play by HIS.